College memories

Screwing up the first several times until I decided to take it seriously.

Smashed my laptop writing an Archaeology report.

Dropping a wine bottle and have it shatter everywhere after I got into a fight with my boyfriend. He left.

Someone drew a penis on my board outside of my room.

A drunk grown woman had an emotional breakdown and rested her head on me at the lake.

My ex douchebag agent drove to the lake during his shift and saw me.

Dancing and running.

Having someone threaten to put my feet up if I screwed up the show.

Being pushed on stage by a fellow dancer for no reason.

The fact they denied my request to choreograph “Monster” by Eminem over “Do What You Want” by Lady Gaga — claiming “Monster” was more inappropriate though it’s not about sex at all.

Then finally getting sick of the drama and bailing on my own routine.

Getting put on the spot in my studio dance classes.

Some girl on the same dorm as me hated me because I won second place in women’s division for a race.

She made a comment about tattoos and her father and looked right at me. ‘Well, my father wouldn’t let me because it’s trashy…’

Some girl in my dorm thought I was bisexual because my boyfriend made jokes.

Wearing a leotard underneath my regular clothes — annoying as fuck.

Campus catering.

Watching rich people eat and gossip, having to move heavy ass tables and my wrist grabbed by a supervisor.

Walking to class in a blizzard, they never closed.

Writing a dark comedy feature film about an alcoholic and having people question if it was my life — it wasn’t but little did I know then, I was predicting someone’s life in the future.

Why I don’t dance anymore

It was fun, alright. I didn’t get any actual jobs doing it because I did it in college. I did it when I transferred to a university junior year. I joined the Dance club. They didn’t have any actual teams or anything. But trust me it felt like it was and a competition at times. Though it was fun for the most part. I did contemporary, jazz, hip-hop, and Bollywood. At the end of the semester we had a recital. Everyone went nuts and loved what we did. The practice was worth it. I didn’t regret that time.

My second year at university as a senior, I had a few elective voids to fill. I picked studio dance training classes in Ballet and Jazz because I thought it would be fun. Well, it wasn’t. It in fact killed whatever passion and love I had for dancing. At the end of the day, I still went to Dance. I screwed up some of the routines. And some of the girls were just rude and nasty. A choreographer joked about cutting our feet off and sending them home. She also happened to be one of my classmates and someone I had to pretend to be civil with though I couldn’t stand her. I avoided her for the most part. I thought of her as a five year old with really bad OCD and ADD. But well, anyway… I still danced on and performed in that semester recital with no issue. The last semester I thought I’d take it upon myself to become a choreographer for a contemporary dance piece to a Lady Gaga song. Half of my people that signed up dropped out because they thought the song was inappropriate. Then wanted to start shit on social media because I didn’t take into consideration everyone’s sizes on the costumes though I did. I was up for hours looking at shit. But I was still ‘body shaming’ by suggesting one of the girls order the same costume by another company because they didn’t have her size. I called that bullshit. But of course, I had to carry the fake face and persona and keep my opinions to myself — and I did. I just dropped my dance all together. Stayed in the few routines I committed too. But I never had any friends from there and made more enemies than I should have. I was the quiet girl that kept to myself.

Now it’s been a couple of years. I don’t have access to a dance studio. If I did I would remember the times I had to stare at myself in the mirror 6 hours every other day while juggling 18 credits and a part time job. I would remember all the shit that was said to me. All the people that followed me around and stared at me. The energy on stage and the paranoia of fucking it up. It was fun once… when it was simple. Back in the days I danced around the fire before I made the conscious decision to go back to school.

College ‘memories’

First attempt at community college

It was a local school kids like me went to because they believed what their guidance counselor said, “You’re too stupid to go to a four year school.”

#1 My first year, my professor made me read my paper on my anorexia to the class. The room was silent and intense.

#2 I drove a red Buick I paid $500 for.

#3 Not doing my work or studying, academic probation.

#4 Sent my professor a nasty email claiming that he talks to us like we are high schoolers (yeah he failed me but mainly because I didn’t do my work).

#5 Took Abnormal Psychology and began to see everyone around me as lunatics.

#6 Academic probation.

#7 A year or so off of school and never going back there…



Second attempt at community college

#1 My intent was to be a Physical Education major at a school 2 hours away in the city my boyfriend lived. We broke up and I changed it to Liberal Arts: Humanities and Social Science with a concentration in Humanities. I did my entire Associates degree online.

#2 There was a lot of writing and research, if not more than what I would be doing at my next school as a writing major.

#3 My intent was to move on with a four year degree in Anthropology until I smashed my laptop one day writing a 20 page research paper in Chicago style.

#4 I met my boyfriend of five years when I was in school and no, we didn’t go to the same one but had similar history of screwing up school.

#5 I don’t remember much about the course work. I was sick a lot and gained weight but burned it off. I learned I can’t take Cipro because I get all the side effects…

#6 I was on the deans list 3 times.

#7 An agent of douchebags (an ex) fueled me to go on/finish school.



Bachelors degree at a four year school

#1 I got a scholarship for doing well at the community college.

#2 I lived on campus for a year and had my own dorm room. Sometimes my boyfriend would stay over.

#3 One night, I was drunk and he took out a wine glass out of my fridge and dropped it. We went to bed and I climbed on top of him and scratched his face. He went home, mad…

#4 I drove my Malibu that had electrical issues; sometimes the headlights and turning signal worked, sometimes it did not. I got pulled over once for it and began crying and the officer let me go.

#5 My manager at my campus catering job let us stand in the back of the truck while she drove, dyed her hair red, and showed me a butterfly cookie.

#6 A hallmate drew a penis on my board.

#7 There was a certain incident with a hot tub and someone naked, I won’t talk about.

#8 In the shower, I head out with a towel. Another girl comes in and looks at me. Later she tells my boyfriend about how perfect volume my hair is and he tells her that I’m also bisexual.

#9 Dance club for a year and half.

#10 Took 3 studio dance training classes for college credit. One class required me to develop a routine with some girls… In one I had to slow dance with one.

#11 I called my mom and said I didn’t really like men and she said, “What you’re calling to tell me you’re gay?” No, no I said something along the lines of being bisexual.

#12 Starting my own dance routine for the club and canceling it.

#13 Feeling like I was constantly being watched and followed — I was.

#14 I graduated and you couldn’t pay me to go back there for anything.

The Annoying Survey

Do you agree all this information is true to your knowledge? [x] Yes [] No (I can’t say no because you won’t pay me.)

What is your age? 21

What year were you born? 2015

What year is it? 1989

What best describes your ethic background? [x] Other, Specify: Northern European and Russian / possibly Middle Eastern because my father was a pathological liar, he probably lied about where he is from too.

What is your annual income? Prefer not to answer

What is the highest level of college you completed? 4 years Bachelors

How often do you consume alcohol? 1-3 times a MONTH

How much of the grocery shopping do you do? Other, Specify: Whenever I want to get something which is all the time.

Do you have any children? No

Do you have a cell phone? DO YOU?

What I learned in college

My writing sucks.

It’s confusing, improper, and there’s too many errors. I might as well give up, there is no future being a writer unless I want to live with my mother forever.


I’m not just crazy, I’m clinically crazy now — it’s all your fault.

Anxiety, OCD, manic bi-polar, and narcissistic — all things I WASN’T before but am convinced I am now.


I still have no friends and no one likes me.

I still don’t give a flying fuck.


I’m still not over that one asshole and I’m still dating an asshole.

Think college would change how I secretly wish they’d get their head out of their ass? Well, it didn’t. If anything, the asshole yelling in my face and insulting me triggered me to think about other people.


Not everyone or everything on campus sucks.

There’s a few good people. My definition of good would most likely be the people I danced with. My most positive college experience was dancing.


I will never work in groups again.

It hardly ever ends well.


You still have to pay me for me to say something nice about someone’s work.

I’m sorry, I’m not sorry I can’t be nice or positive about someone’s writing especially when I think they are fake or their writing sucks. I’ll give them comments that aren’t rude — that’s it. I need to be true to myself even if that means not pretending to like someone or something I don’t like.

Thoughts on Buying Textbooks

Do I really need it?

Spend $100 on a textbook and only do two assignments out of it. Why bother? Especially when I could probably read it online for free somewhere.


I’m taking an online course.

I’m not ordering a book from Amazon and waiting for it to come here. If it’s not in the bookstore, then I am going to drop the course — and find one where I can rent an e-book.


Rather get the E-book.

If you have money to spend a ridicouls amount on a book you will never read again, go ahead. I don’t. If I know I can save 10-$50 on it, that’s what I am going to do.


If I can’t get a textbook…

Take the course without it. NO, I’m kidding. There’s no way you can pass a course without it, unless you’re some kind of genius or something. If I can’t find a textbook, I’ll just drop the course and find something else to fill the gap.

…I’m sure as hell not a genius or the best memorizer in the world — hell, I can’t read my own notes.

College ? Experience ?

Preparing myself for my last semester I am still thinking: Was it worth it? Is it worth it? I’m still unemployed, I’m still miserable, I’m still broke, I’m still the loser I was when I came here, and I still have no life. And those things are still entirely my fault.


I am going to be 1,000% honest to you…

Out of high school I barely made it through community college. I was beyond lazy. My laziness turned into academic prohibition. I got kicked out. When I finally came back, I took it seriously. Probably because my method of doing schoolwork was homeschooling myself. Yes, I took all my classes online. It wasn’t easy but I figured it out. Lots of research, advising, and supervising myself because that is all I had. Probably something else I should mention, I wasn’t planning on taking classes online. I had some weird morphed fantasy that this guy I was dating at the time was serious about me moving in with him. It was long distance. So yes, I made sure to apply to a school two hours away — then get dumped a month or so after.


It was difficult but I did fine, I mean I got on the Deans list three times. For pretty much having no life. Then I go to a four-year school to get my Bachelors…


My Associates of Arts Degree is useless. It was just a sheet of paper that got me to the next place where I would spend a fortunate. I suppose a few good things happened. I did some awesome things and met some people. But was it enough for the cost? Of course not. I spend day by day now thinking how am I supposed to pay this off, how am I supposed to get a job? I’m not marketable or employable. The last many times I put what I was doing or did on my resume nowadays isn’t helping. Like an oh….

You go to school for writing, can I see your work? Do you write short stories? Do you write poems? …What about your catering job? Did you do weddings? ….Fajita Grill. What is a Fajita Grill? That sounds good. I should get me some Fajita Grill.


What the fuck? Okay now, I just don’t see the point. I’m probably better off erasing my resume and starting over. Can I create a new name or a business of my own? It would probably be better.


Exactly. Maybe that is the point I am not getting. I should do my own business. But how? That’s funny. I can’t do math, have experience, or know anything. But whatever, it’s not about me anymore. It is about creating a life but how….


One shit, two shit, three shit…

Four shit. Think.

Don’t think.

It’s not about you.

It’s about them.

Who is ‘them’?

If anyone has to tell you, you are insane.

…More ramblings from an idiot in second person.

How I spent my break

We know, everyone asks you this when you come back. The question is full truth or partial truth?

If it were a friend, I would tell it in detail. If it were my followers, I’d tell them as much I can think of or want to share on the internet. If it were my boss, professor, co-workers, or classmates, I wouldn’t tell them everything. Like they really need to know how I got drunk, played video games, and looked stupid stuff up on the internet. Think not.

The jist of it… that’ s not ya da relationship time and going to the bar at the bowling alley.


Blogging. Well, duh. There’s posts up here.

Painting. It is the only time I can. Other times, I devote my entire energy on school, interests, relationships, and thinking about what I am supposed to do with my life.

Choreographing. I have some drafts. Nothing completely set. I spent more time free-styling then planning that stuff out. I feel that’s a way to find more moves.

Writing. I am a writer, that is what I do. I also been submitting work, (and getting rejected) as well. I wrote some ‘poems’ I like to call songs because… I don’t know that’s how I wrote it.

Gym. I workout. Everyday. Need for it. Who I am, and way to prevent me from losing my marbles.

Applying. To jobs. Because needs.

Games. Playing call of duty with the boyfriend. Because we got really bored. And then, words with friends and a Simpsons game on my IPad. So, exciting I know.

YouTube. Because we all love watching strangers stuff. It is funny and interesting.

Trolling. Because Google has all the answers to my questions and concerns.

Avoiding social media. Because I rather screw around elsewhere.

Avoiding drama. Not caving into someone else’s wants or desires. Like oh, please. We’re adults. Stop trying to manipulate me and tell me what to do. I don’t work for you. I don’t even know you.

Truth about college.


The place you will be able to reinvent yourself, meet new friends, and develop a career path.



Reinvent yourself. No one knows who you are. Hell, you don’t even know who you are. You can pretty much say and do what you want until you start getting bored or seeing peoples true colors…

Meet new friends. More like pets you go places/do things with. Some people you stay in touch with after, some you don’t. Or you simply just do not care about making friends in the first place, and spend all your free time doing schoolwork, by schoolwork — procrastinating on the internet or doing god knows what.

Develop a career path. Go to school to learn a trade. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good at it or will come out to anything. And it’s not just you, it’s all the other factors that come into play. But, it will give you some little extra money if you end up working at McDonalds the rest of your life.


Nobody tells you…

The amount of ridiculous people they meet. By ridiculous, I’m talking about how they act in real life AND on the internet. I can honestly, name only a few of my Facebook friends that are ‘normal’. By normal I mean, they are not narcissists. Majority of them act like they ‘like’ you in real life, or they ignore you online and in real life until you post some small accomplishment you did. It’s like — okay you did something cool, if you become famous or well off remember me after you leave. I think not… bitch. Needless to say, I also heard many people talk about other people behind their back like it’s high school.

Think college is awesome? It can be. Just remember, it’s more people in a madhouse acting like teenagers. And it’s not just the students, it’s also the professors. Even the professors gossip and talk about other professors and students.