Matter is

she doesn’t have
any drama
she’s sick of
the shitshow
on the internet

she’s stable
but sometimes
fucked up
when her brain
thinks about him again

‘oh, why didn’t I runaway
when I had the chance?’
because she’s an idiot
she chose ‘stability’
over ‘being in love’
other words
she’s settled
do you blame her?
who wants to be on
the run with a criminal?

‘but other people…’
believe me she knows
none of them
she had such intensity
and an connection with

now her days are
waiting for shit to pass
and being a mother
sometimes she wonders
if the father is the father
and her hair is long
and full of secrets

She doesn’t want to talk
about herself
but this is her being
‘accountable’ again
to tell you she’ll be back
when she feels like it

I’m not trying

I’m married
I have a baby
my everything life
is going despite
the coronavirus bullshit
do I wonder, ‘what if?’
yes
though all these
things happened
with him
before the others

‘What others?’
I’m not getting into it
but I had no problem
telling him
the people I was seeing
besides him
he’s even seen my artwork
nobody else has
mistakenly
but still
he wasn’t just a person
I was sleeping with
he was my friend
everytime shit hit the fan
I went to see him to talk
even if he had
other intentions
I didn’t care
he saw me for what I was
never fed me lies
but questioned every time
‘why I never picked him?’

Because
some things you won’t forget
like the times he
forced himself upon me
and recorded it
and the threesome he tricked
me into

‘You enjoyed it’
he said
I did not
being an aggressive prick
doesn’t make anyone want
to stay with you

‘But your husband is’
he can be
when he’s pissed off
who isn’t?
but he knows what
‘Fuck off’ means

It truly is

Difficult trying to workout, lift, bend over, or literally do anything pregnant. I know you’ve probably heard it before from other pregnant women. But let me tell you, it is. It’s not just us complaining. You’ll find out when it happens to you, I did.

I’m still early, I have a few weeks left in my first trimester — thank God! But now the horrible nausea starts to pass, I get a sore back and some other weird things that start to happen. Acne on my arm. A dry patch on my leg. And feeling more disgusted by smells and things I already don’t like! But I still go on like I would any other day. God forbid I’d miss going to the gym or working. So I do it and wonder, what the hell was I thinking?

I’ve been extremely fast and had a solid reputation as a “monster” to every single gym I’ve walked into the pass 11 years. Now I get to watch the pace slow down and my stomach grow — and not be able to do some things I could before. I mean I could BUT I’d have cramping, a leaking bladder/vagina, feel more nauseous, get tired faster, feel my sore boobs bounce up and down, it’d be bad for the baby, etc. I’m not gonna lie, it is hard and it sucks. If I planned this at all, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place! I’d be perfectly content just adopting a million dogs or cats. At least I’d know I won’t have to give birth to them and they won’t keep me up all night crying.

Is it worth it? I don’t know. I can’t tell you. Ask me after it’s born. I have to think day by day, what am I going to do to not feel like shit today? I should think farther in the future but what good is that going to do me in the present?

Then everyone wants to ask you… “How are you feeling?” Pregnant. Like I do every single day. “Do you know the gender yet?” Obviously not. “Do you want to know the gender?” Obviously. I’m not going to buy a bunch of pink and glittery stuff for a boy — regardless what generation we live in I don’t wanna year or a lecture on gender. I’m not an idiot, I know what the difference between sex and gender is. But the FACT is everyone asks me about the gender.

I’m going off topic, so anyway… everyone’s experience is different. Should I try more wives tales to predict the sex, no because according to them I’m having both. I’ve seen the sonogram, there’s only one. Make do what you want. Unless the doctor really pulls you from shit, there’s no excuse. I was sick a few weeks ago and I was told no kickboxing or high intensity workouts for a week because it could kill the baby. As much I don’t really want a kid now or in a strong position financially too, I wasn’t going to kill it. I made that decision I went in the first day to see if I was actually pregnant. Got a sonogram and it showed it had a beating heartbeat.

Here it comes

I skipped
the entire month
of November
so far
he got me tests
thinking nothing
but she’s late
I take two
two hours apart
they both come back
positive
I went out and got
a shitty store brand name
it came out the same

I think
what the hell
am I going to do
if it’s true?
I have to pretty much
give up everything
and destroy my body
I’ve been working on
for 29 years now
I don’t have a good job
I don’t want to rely
on other people
I don’t know if it’s
worth it or if I’ll
ruin it in the process
of all people
why does it have to be me?
I took Plan B
it shouldn’t have happened
or perhaps
I have something else
wrong with me
highly unlikely but
why?

I don’t want to
be a mother
I value my freedom
I don’t have patience
for anyone or anything
I’m too self-involved
and caught in my ways
to do this but you
somehow think this was
supposed to happen
I believe in dumb choices
this happened to be
one of them

 

 

 

Stay continued…

“Hippie girl”

he said
I laughed
how am I?
I don’t do the drugs?
I don’t have
multiple partners

But
he said
I see your eyes
I can read you like
nobody else can
I seen your anger
I heard you talk
about your mother
I know your capacity
for love and know
how you feel about me
your situation
my situation doesn’t matter

 

Right it did matter
because I did love you
you supposedly loved me
but you kept on
drinking and lying
ran from a DWI

You called me
you left messages
saying what you
said and felt was true

Then one day I heard
you can’t speak anymore
you had brain surgery
to remove a tumor
you’re no longer you
but I’m still me

 

He returns

He asks me
what do you drive
what do you do
where do you live
when am I going to see you?
I don’t respond
he tells me nothing about him
all I have is images
of fifty shades of gray
in my head
I thought if I wanted that
I would have chose him
but I didn’t