Memories of my father

when I was a baby
he was never around
he was in the Coast Guard
when I was little I sat
on his big stomach and
ate popcorn
I went grocery shopping
with him every weekend
he took my mother’s paycheck
sometimes he took me
to the casino
when I was 9 I had a fit
at church because I didn’t
want to be there he hit me
on the side of my leg
my parents split
when I was eleven
I wasn’t aware of it
I thought when my mother
said we were moving,
he was coming
I was wrong

Did he try to see us?
yes, he got into a fight
with her boyfriend and that
was the last time he came
there to try

So then
he sent me birthday
and Christmas cards
every year
since then
sometimes he called
I hardly answered
I saw him only on some
holidays at church
as I got older
when my mother passed
he was at my sister’s house
on Thanksgiving and Christmas
to see us

He showed up at
the hospital when I had
my daughter though a few
months earlier I cussed him
out for making a comment
about me being big
— I was pregnant

Was he there when I was
growing up?
Yeah, here and there
when I was a kid
though half the time
he was gone gambling
when I was a teenager, no
I mean good luck for
anyone trying to get to me then

The last time I spoke to
him was the day after my birthday
he was excited to see
my daughter on Thanksgiving
which was cancelled by coronavirus
and cancelled farthermore
by the asshole that
ran him over and killed him
the night before

Sooo, all that gaps
in my life of him not being there
he made some kind of effort
though I hardly saw him
or knew anything about him
he took some interest what
was going on in my life
it’s unclear to me
if someone or something
prevented him from seeing us
besides his dislike of my
mother’s ‘boyfriend’
but you can’t blame him
he’s also told me to
talk to my father
some answers I’ll never get
what the hell happened?

So, now
I’m a parent and
realize time is a gift
if this was my last
moment on Earth
that’s who I’d want
to be with

Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

My 10 1/2 month old baby

Update.

Ava started walking last week. All those days trying to get her walking with her walker paid off.

She speaks. Not a shocker. Her first word was, “Boom” at 9 months old. Her second word was, “Mommy.” Now she’s saying her name, “Ava.” And “I got” and “Yeah”.

She’s definitely not slow — like her mother. She doesn’t walk or talk on demand either!

She doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying. I mean she’s not a year old — yet. I am reading to her more, telling her what objects are and their color.

She doesn’t go a night without waking up and expecting a bottle. But she sleeps in her crib and NOT with us. She has been for a while. (My sisters baby is almost 2 and just started sleeping in her own room… too afraid her baby would have a fit. They will. They won’t learn if you constantly have to savior them?)

She isn’t a picky eater… I mean she likes chewing on everything right now? She only has 3 teeth at the bottom of her mouth. But her favorite thing is the sweets (like her mother) and her fathers hot dogs.

AND she currently loves Elsa, Olaf, and Pikachu.

Baby me

I ate a stick of butter
thinking it was chocolate
I snuck candy on the
coffee table
when no one was looking
I saw a black shadow
laying in my parents bed
I didn’t understand

I ripped Santa’s beard off
I didn’t know who he was
or what it was hanging from his face
I pushed a kid off a bike
my older sister told me too
I thought it was cool
to get up and chase
the cat under the bed

I wasn’t a crier
I was always observing
people staring at me
made me antsy
I drew on the wall
with markers, crayons
or anything I could find really
I said,
“Look mommy I made wall pretty”
she was mad
I had boards and coloring books
I preferred the wall

When I had popsicles
I put the sticks in a pot hole
My friend
(I thought was a person real but turned out to be a spirit — I didn’t understand that at the time)
told me to save them for her
I spoke to her in jibberish
til my mother caught me
and told me to play with my friend
that lived next store

When I was

1
My mother dressed me in pink because it made me happy.

2
I drank my father’s beer thinking it was Pepsi.

3
I pushed a boy off his bike because my oldest sister told me too.

4
A boy kissed me and I thought I was pregnant.

5
I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop — on my birthday.

6
I told someone in class, “I make my barbies have sex” and she ratted on me — I still thought sex was kissing.

7
My best friend’s last name was Lemonhart.

8
I learned how to swim.

9
“Hey Arnold” came out, I liked Helga because she reminded me of me.

10
I danced “Opps I did it again” in a talent show.

11
I vandalized a park with toilet paper, broke a fountain, and had an angry mob chase after me and my friend.

12
Dealt with being the new kid in school and questioned why I pretended to like someone I didn’t like.

13
I had the first boy to cheat on me and the first boy I’d have to dump.

14
I ran track, I hate it, and everyone hated me; I was slow and they mocked me for being fat and ugly.

15
I thought I liked some asshole from middle school.

16
Became anorexic.

17
First real kiss but with someone I met online from Argentina.

18
Got drunk, danced around a fire, and attempted to go skinny dipping with my clothes on.

19
I had a purity ring, which I lost.

20
I had sex with a virgin in a hotel.

21
I slept with two guys named Chris.

22
The first date with my boyfriend, he told me loved me and I called him crazy.

23
I smashed my laptop writing an Archaeology paper and decided to major in Creative Writing instead of Anthropology.

24
Developed my ice coffee addiction, 3 a day and back seat of car full of cups.

25
My mother was diagnosed with cancer.

26
I got another pregnancy scare…

My dear

You’re funny
you’re cute
you’ve a job
that’s cool

I can’t be with you
I’m older and more arrogant
than you

I don’t know how much experience
you have but I think I have more
I have a list of things I’ve done
and know what I’m capable of

I will use you like I’ve used the rest
keep you as an option in case
it doesn’t work with someone else
hook up with you once or a couple of times
kick you to the curb and get back with someone else

Nothing you say or do will
change me
break me
convince me
phase me

I don’t care about you
I don’t even care about myself
there’s only a few people I care about enough
to make some sort of an effort not to resort back to old self
some old teachers remind me
I’m only human

Am I pregnant?

Something happened last week. I threw up in my mouth just before work. It was a few hours after I had a flat bread pizza. I asked my mother if the sauce was bad and she said it wasn’t, she made it from scratch. Guess my child doesn’t like it. If it is my child and not some alien baby.

The next day, at 6am I vomit my ice coffee on myself just before the gym. Some say maybe I had a bad one or the creamer wasn’t any good. I’ve had my share of shitty ones and none of them would make this happen to me. It should be noted, I didn’t/don’t feel sick; it’s something that strikes me. Yesterday I stopped what I was doing at work feeling like I was going to vomit on the floor and lower back pain. I took my 15 minute break and sat in the break room. The feeling went away. I told my sister and she said “prego”. She asked me what I ate and I said crackers and Mountain Dew. My child doesn’t like it either? I shouldn’t be drinking it anyway.

I don’t think I’m pregnant. Though it’s possible. We’ve gotten less responsible and use a “natural” approach to sex. I won’t lie about it nor discuss what I mean by that. In other words, if it happens; it happens. We will deal with it then and it won’t be the worlds business what we decide to do.

I was a child

Four years old

A boy kissed me on the bus

I ran home to my mother crying

‘I am pregnant’

because kissing meant sex.

 

I met my first best friend

I met my first boyfriend

 

 

Five years old

 

I was sitting in a bath tub

with my best friend

she opened her legs up

in front of me and started

playing with herself

 

She got up from the tub and stood over the toilet

like a boy

and pissed all over the place

 

I was disgusted and confused

did my ‘privates’ look like hers?

Was she really a boy? She ‘went’ like one.

Why can’t I do it?

 

Why can’t I be a boy?

 

One night…

 

I stayed at her house

her stepfather came in her room

at the middle of the night

and molested her

I’m not sure what exactly happened

I was laying on the floor confused

in a dreamlike state

It was pitch black, all I could hear was crying

 

I wasn’t sure if he got me too or if I was dreaming

he rubbed something on my crotch

and told me not to tell anyone

I ran out of her house to mine

and that was that

(I blurted it the next day to my mother)

(he eventually got caught by the mother — and arrested)