“Sexy smart lady”

he said. He’s so impressed by my life choices from what I drive and up and leaving workplaces. Haha. Is that supposed to charm my pants off and make me want to sleep with him? It doesn’t. We’ve done it before — several times. We even tried dating each other open and ‘exclusively’ a handful of times.

So what? We’re ’friends that talk and never see each other’. Why? I’m a mother. That’s the only thing that’s changed between us. He may flirt but I don’t even respond with anything suggestive or serious. Why play the game 20 year olds do? We’re in our 30s.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t like him. Obviously I do if I’m still talking to him after all this time. I never wanted to give him false hope. He was the guy I saw everytime I was conflicted over someone else. I never picked him though. He thought it was because he wasn’t enough. No, it’s because some things aren’t meant for you. We’re better off as ‘friends’.

“We married our first love,”

said some broad from a 90s show I heard but didn’t watch. She also said that’s why they were divorced or not happy. Then I can’t help but think of my first love.

To be honest, I don’t even know. I’ve been in and out of love numerous times in my life. So it makes me wonder, what is the legit feeling? The feeling of being ‘in love’ fades whether you’re with someone for six months or years.

I think back to when I was seventeen and ‘in love’ with this guy from Argentina. I talked to him for years and he helped me get over my middle school crush I blamed for my eating disorder back then. ‘He liked a model and it wasn’t me, I’m blahblahblah’ teenager garbage. Long story short I eventually met him and my mother sent my big brother to kick his ass. She was pissed I met someone off the internet. We still snuck around and talked. We were going to runaway to NYC and get married. My dream was to be a model (HAHA) and he wanted to be director. He asked me to marry him and even started working on my ring.

I’m not sure what happened next but I guess, I developed a crush on a college boy and he was history. Then I had one relationship after another, sometimes with multiple people, and told him about it. So, we still talked only as friends and occasionally do to this day.

Now I’m married and have an one and half year old. He’s still single but I guess he’s happy in whatever country he’s in doing photography. My dream is and always been writing and editing. It’s crazy to think it’s been fourteen years.

Ways body changes after giving birth

Hair
3 months after I gave birth, I noticed a lot of my hair shedding. It’s annoying and disgusting at times. At I point I thought I could be thinning out until I googled ‘postpartum shedding’ turns out it has to deal with hormones, my hair holding onto strands when I was pregnant, and I’ll be dealing with this until the ‘hairs catch up’ until she’s about a year old. Fantastic. Well at least if I braid it or put it up it’s not that annoying.

Appetite
I remember the time I was pregnant and actually got hungry. If I didn’t eat, I’d be in an shitty mood and I won’t get anything done. And now, I don’t get hungry or feel that hunger anymore? I’ve only felt hungry a few times when it’s been hours since I ate. Maybe I’m too busy. Maybe food is the last thing on my mind. I’m not thinking about I should eat this because it’s good for the baby, I need to take my vitamins, I need more… that’s all gone. I’m not eating for two. I sometimes forget I’m eating for one.

Body
Yes, my skin looked a little stretched out after giving birth and it went back in a couple weeks. I’ve lost majority of my pregnancy weight the first week I gave birth. No surprise there, a lot of people do. But it too me a good 2-4 months after the fact to see my ‘pregnancy belly’ go away and lose the few pounds I only noticed on the scale to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My boobs are completely gone. Hell, they’re smaller than what they were before I got pregnant. That wasn’t a goal in mind, just something that happened.
Would I do it again? Well, I did like the time off. I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant, giving birth, or dealing with a newborn. But she is happy and growing everyday… almost makes it worth me trying for a sibling? Maybe if I win the lottery.

What I learned having a baby

I don’t want to do again. Hell, I didn’t even plan this.

I stand people less
Mainly in-law relatives I already wanted nothing to do with, now it’s worse. Then people at the grocery store that don’t want to leave us the fuck alone when we’re trying to get out of there!

Maybe I get my ego from my mother
I’m independent so much to the point I don’t ask for help nor want it. Why? Because the second I hand her to someone, say my husbands parents — they ask me a million questions or hands her back the second she fusses. I’m the only one that can handle her so I might as well. I don’t have parents at this point in my life. I don’t need you to parent me or my child!

Maybe I’m also controlling and over protective
Controlling in the stance — she has a certain time she goes to bed and a time period when she needs to eat or she’ll lose her shit. Over protective in the stance, again — I’m not convinced anyone, even her father can take care of her. I woke up one morning with him losing his shit SHOVING food down her throat! Since I’ve been doing pretty much all feedings…

The love and pride my mother had for her kids before she died
She mainly did it all, despite whatever life threw at her. The men in her life were insignificant. She’d give all her money and life for her kids to live.

Now I see, I don’t love him. I live with him and care for her sake. I may have gotten married too quick. I wasn’t ready to get married 3 months after she passed. I panicked. I had no where to go. I had no other place to live. I went through with it anyway. Then I got pregnant a year later and kept it because I saw/heard the heartbeat. I wouldn’t die for him. I wouldn’t risk anything in my life for his sake. For her I would.

Past two years

My mother got in a car accident. Her ribs were broken. Car destroyed. Her asshole boyfriend was okay. They stopped treating her cancer. She was too weak.

I got engaged outside a hockey arena. I moved in with my fiancé in his parents house. I hated it but it was closer to work. I showed my mother my dress. She never saw me walk down the aisle in it. She died a few months before my wedding.

I got married. I had an affair with my supervisor. I have yet to claim it was manipulated or abuse. All I know is, never again and he’s behind bars somewhere.

I was sued for the lack of paying up something over a decade ago when I was 18. And now I have to sue my employer.

I started a novel exposing the so-called truth and it turned into fiction. Have to end out names and things to not get sued. Have to exaggerate details to tell a story.

I got pregnant. I was going to get an abortion knowing my past and current financial situation. I saw her heartbeat and kept it. Sometimes I wish I got one.

I got a DNA test and so did 2 of my sisters. Come to find out, 1 of them doesn’t have the same father. We don’t know who it is. We knew my father cheated and took her money. We didn’t know she went out with men when he was away.

Does it matter? No. They broke up. She’s dead and carries that secret to her grave. Now I live with the question, what am I going to die with? Why does it seem like I’ve spent my life running and for what? I’m being lied to. It’s a game for everyone.

How life changes with a baby

Say goodbye to sleep

Want to nap? You have 5 minutes, maybe 30 if you’re lucky. Your nights of sleeping uninterrupted are over. Then when you got to feed the baby, you have to put it back asleep when you’re half asleep at 2am.

 

Say goodbye to doing anything like you used too

Sometimes you can’t even take a piss when you want too — you have a screaming baby attached to your boob or hip. If you have no one around to watch her and you have errands to do, she has to come with you — and it takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to get her ready and leave the house!

 

If she has a tantrum in public well…

It’s aggravating as hell and you have people looking at you like ‘stfu’. You’re thinking, she’s a baby she cries. I did everything before I left I can’t help it. Mind your business.

 

Or people need to stop you when you’re out

Comment on how cute she is blah blah blah. It’s almost like you can’t go anywhere without something happening or someone up your ass.

 

And EVERYONE wants to see her or tell you how to raise her

So be mad at me 90% of the time because I say no. She’s my daughter. You should have thought about having a relationship with me before she was even born. But now you think you’re entitled to her hahaha. If I want your help, I’ll let you know. Actually I won’t because I don’t.

What a miserable life

she leads
she hangouts
at a dying mall all day
while her boyfriend works
with her 3 babies from
3 different baby daddies
none of which are her
boyfriend’s

she doesn’t work
she doesn’t drive
if you heard her talk
you’d think she has
no education

other people support her
she waits around for a ride

I see her five days a week
only because I work there

I’ve seen this before
and I wonder if she’s lazy
she doesn’t look disabled
she looks unhappy
like she knows she needs
to rely on other people
a daily basis and does
nothing about it

I’m not happy
but I’m not miserable
I work for everything
I don’t wait on other people
I don’t make excuses
despite the numerous times
I’m shitted on by people
and circumstances
beyond my control
I refuse to let them
change who I am or my course
 

Life at 26 weeks

‘How are you?’ I’m fine. I wish people would stop asking me that. It seems to be the greeting these days. I don’t know why they ask, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if I was doing terrible.

My girl is moving a bit more and seems to respond to me touching her and some sounds I play on the music box. She woke me up at 4am Sunday moving all over place. I think it’s because I was a bit hungry. She’s also active around times I eat like she knows food is coming.

The movements don’t bother me. They feel weird when I touch them or see a tiny bump stick up in my stomach. It bothers me when she wants to fuck with my bladder. Especially when I’m working, all I can feel is this pressure then I have to piss.

My back and ribs hurt sometime at work or when I’m driving. Mainly because the seat I sit in sucks and there’s not much I can do besides walk around and suck it up.

I don’t like how I look or how I feel in this body. I know I’m building a life and bla bla bla. I’m just not comfortable in the skin I’m currently in and it’s not my own. It’s exhausting to think day by day what I can, cannot or shouldn’t do. Before I didn’t have too. Now I have to think of the bigger stuff and deal with other changes in life.

Have to think of money. I don’t get paid maternity leave. I’d work as long as possible I have no other choice. Student loans are going up. Gas and everything else is going to cost more because I live farther away from shit now. I can get paid family leave but that only pays 55% what I make now. And I am currently living out of a bag in my husbands parents house. Our apartment isn’t finished and they hardly even started. My current relationship with my husband is another story. I think he constantly tells me he loves me because he knows I’m not happy and feels some sort of guilt. I sometimes wonder if I’d be better off by myself. Hey, my mother basically did it.

Things I’ve a relationship with today vs 20 years ago

Not sure if this is our generation or me or both.

 

Phone: It tells me everything I want to know, takes pictures, let’s me watch anything, and has games I can play when I’m bored.

Tablet: My own personal screen I bring into bed and on trips. Let’s me stream shows and movies.

Netflix/Hulu: If and only if they have something interesting I want to watch. Which is hardly ever, so I find some reboots or 90s reruns.

Coffee: Well, okay — before I was pregnant I was drinking 400 MG+ of caffeine a day. Now I spend my days fantasizing about it.

Gym: I never, ever feel like going or doing anything these days! But the way I eat I’d gain 50lbs if I don’t…

Bed: The one place no one bothers you and you can sit or lay on your ass…

 

20 years ago I was 9…

 

Television WITH cable: So I can watch my favorite shows on Nickelodeon like — Hey Arnold and All That!

Nintendo 64: Mario, Zelda, and a duck shooter game were my favorites. But of course I had limited time I could play like I could watch tv.

Kickball: They called me ‘golden leg’.

My bicycle, roller blades, and skateboard: Because it was FUN. And I lived in a small town, that was my means of transportation. I didn’t have my parents drive me around.

The Backstreet Boys: In my head.

Thoughts about October

It’s not as hot out
the leaves are changing colors
It’s beautiful
even when it rains
love all the Halloween stuff
it is my Christmas
I hate it when stores skip
the entire fall season
and head into Christmas shit
I won’t step foot in those stores
it reminds me of the
‘Nightmare before Christmas’

It like costumes
cool shit
horror
paranormal movies
haunted
anicent
anything
insane makeup
glitter
magic
candy
I have since I was a kid
in addition too
pumpkin carving
corn mazes
hay rides
apple cinder
Halloween Oreos
jumping in leaves
trick or treating

It was also the month
I meant my future husband
and the month I got married in
our first few dates were in the park
watching the leaves change

Perhaps someday, if I have a kid
I will do all those things
my mother did with me
and teach him/her
our ancestors invented Halloween