‘Tell me about yourself’

First off, my name is pronounced how it’s spelled. It’s not difficult. If you fuck it up numerous times, I have a few choice words for you. And I wonder, did you make it through high school? Nevermind, they’ll let the dumbest idiots graduate not like it makes a difference.

I have no experience in this field at all. I applied to dozens of jobs and I probably won’t remember I applied here. I’m looking for something that pays more. Why? It’s always about money. Although, you know that’s not why I left my last job. That’s complicated. Let’s just say I had enough. And no normal workplace is like that. My current job is not. But obviously, I’m bored and don’t like what I’m doing that’s why I’m looking.

I know you really don’t care who I am or what I do on my free time. You’re just trying to creep and look for clues why I would or wouldn’t be good for the job. Yes, I have boxing gloves in my car, a one year old, and husband. What does that have to do with my abilities? Nothing. It appears I already know English better than your employees. Sooooo…

Cancelled in 2020

My job
I was working at
for about 4 years
given the opportunity
to come back
I didn’t
they kept us in
the dark
another one that
pays more came along
I took it

My toxic relationship
with my ex supervisor
no we couldn’t be
professional
he asked me for pics
and I felt like he was
constantly trying to
manipulate and hang
me for not picking him

My gym membership
at that health club
I had for a year
they kept charging us
when they closed their doors
and I can’t help but
remember how rude
the desk people were
and that one old man that
basically singled me out
every MMA class I took

My routine
I got up early to
run or rollerblade
during the pandemic
I didn’t have the luxury
to do anything else in
the morning with
everyone sleeping

All those
opportunities
phone calls
emails
voicemails
unanswered
why?
they don’t fit
like the majority
of these masks
they make us wear

Before March

I said his girlfriend would eventually get a job at the mall with us because she constantly hangs out there all day with her kids.

And I said when that happens you can bet your ass I’m out of there. Yeah, before they decided to tell us when they were opening I got a new job away from all that bullshit — like we knew I would.

Because I’ve said, there’s only so much corrupt bullshit I will take. I guess I’ve met my quota when great old coronavirus came out and struck our world. I learned to take a great opportunity when it comes across me. You know how many jobs I turned down for the mall? Too many. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Let’s not get into the owner not wanting to pay workers and me having to sue him when I had my baby for pocketing my PFL. All while all these stores are leaving and they can’t keep up with the requirements to keep running, it’s surprising they gIt the flag to be open. Probably lied their asses off.

Anyway, yeah that’s all behind me. The new supervisor with his girlfriend he probably fucks in all the old places I fucked ‘Dan’ haha. He had an issue with us even talking yet it was okay for him to sexually assault me numerous times with his girlfriend nearby!? The only reason why he got his position is by snitching on my sisters boyfriend and getting him fired. He has no talent or knowledge of the things that need to be fixed in the mall. I guess if you successfully kiss ass and rat on people you deserve a promotion in those places. I guess that’s why now I’m making as much as you and not working there.

The mall was

the first one I went too as a kid
It had a ‘magic’ fountain back then

the place I went too as a teenager to get all my school clothes (they had stores back then)

where I met my future husband online from at dating website for the first time

my place of employment for three years

the place I was working at when my mother was diagnosed with cancer

where I got involved with someone I didn’t know was a satanist until he told me

where I was after I received a phone call she was dead, clocked in and out of work that day upset

where I my supervisor and I fell in love and had a fucked up relationship

the place I was working at when I was pregnant and had to leave when I was in labor

job I returned too after having a baby

job I worked with my sister and got to see here several days a week

also the job the owner tried to fuck me over numerous times and pocketed my PFL and I sued him

the place with a toxic environment and shitty new supervisor that also sexually assaulted with his girlfriend nearby

the place that wanted me back during this COVID shit part time (less money, less time with my daughter) and after everything, I didn’t see why I should it was a good place once years ago…

and so I left and got a new one

Past two years

My mother got in a car accident. Her ribs were broken. Car destroyed. Her asshole boyfriend was okay. They stopped treating her cancer. She was too weak.

I got engaged outside a hockey arena. I moved in with my fiancé in his parents house. I hated it but it was closer to work. I showed my mother my dress. She never saw me walk down the aisle in it. She died a few months before my wedding.

I got married. I had an affair with my supervisor. I have yet to claim it was manipulated or abuse. All I know is, never again and he’s behind bars somewhere.

I was sued for the lack of paying up something over a decade ago when I was 18. And now I have to sue my employer.

I started a novel exposing the so-called truth and it turned into fiction. Have to end out names and things to not get sued. Have to exaggerate details to tell a story.

I got pregnant. I was going to get an abortion knowing my past and current financial situation. I saw her heartbeat and kept it. Sometimes I wish I got one.

I got a DNA test and so did 2 of my sisters. Come to find out, 1 of them doesn’t have the same father. We don’t know who it is. We knew my father cheated and took her money. We didn’t know she went out with men when he was away.

Does it matter? No. They broke up. She’s dead and carries that secret to her grave. Now I live with the question, what am I going to die with? Why does it seem like I’ve spent my life running and for what? I’m being lied to. It’s a game for everyone.

What a miserable life

she leads
she hangouts
at a dying mall all day
while her boyfriend works
with her 3 babies from
3 different baby daddies
none of which are her
boyfriend’s

she doesn’t work
she doesn’t drive
if you heard her talk
you’d think she has
no education

other people support her
she waits around for a ride

I see her five days a week
only because I work there

I’ve seen this before
and I wonder if she’s lazy
she doesn’t look disabled
she looks unhappy
like she knows she needs
to rely on other people
a daily basis and does
nothing about it

I’m not happy
but I’m not miserable
I work for everything
I don’t wait on other people
I don’t make excuses
despite the numerous times
I’m shitted on by people
and circumstances
beyond my control
I refuse to let them
change who I am or my course
 

Life at 31 weeks

I’m done, I’ve been done being pregnant for a while! I don’t know how or why my mother did this six times and delivered each one naturally! (She had the same frame as me but 4 inches shorter than me.) I feel and look like a blimp. Now it hurts when she sticks out. The punches and kicks, not so much but that could change.

I already had to pee a lot, now it’s just worst. If I have to go, I have to go. If I wait, it will make my uterus hurt. The last thing anyone wants is a UTI. I got one not pregnant by holding my piss in. Those aren’t fun and hurt like hell — and antibiotics suck.

I’m still working. My doctor told me she won’t take me out of work unless I have complications or high blood pressure. Sometimes I need to sit. I feel like I spend 70% of my time at work now taking a piss. I can’t drive home from work without feeling like my ribs are sinking in. And certain seating positions make my back hurt.

I look in the mirror and think I’m getting fat or my body dysmorphia from junior high school is back. Comments from strangers (mainly 40+ years old) about how I’m getting big, am big, or too small do not stop. They do nothing for me but piss me off and think, you wouldn’t say that to any other person that’s not pregnant. But because I am I’m supposed to deal with it and take it as a compliment though it’s not! I’d rather you greet me about my shoes! Then she sticks out and I’m like, it’s probably mostly her or I hope so. I learned what kind of music and food she reacts too.

Modern day violin and piano covers are her thing. I don’t mind, I don’t like classical music either. Her favorite is “My heart will go on” on YouTube by Taylor Davis. It makes me wonder if I should make her first name Rose instead her middle name. I won’t though, I’ve already set my mind. I wonder if she’s going to be more musically gifted than me. Then I could say musical talent skipped 3 generations. My great grandfather was a musician and influencer. I just hope she tries to enjoy more things than strawberry Frappuccinos and sour cream and onion chips. She moves when I have it like it’s the greatest thing on the planet.

Behind the scenes is chaos and frustration at home and work. It’s a miracle that I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve been waiting for months to unpack my stuff and have space with my husband at the so called ‘apartment’ being worked on. To the point I think she’d come out and we’d have nothing ready. She’d have to live out of suitcase like me.

Work wise, I probably have to consider what I say online. Though my report was anonymous and if he did go against me, it’d hurt him more. I know my employer is being investigated and not just for me, but a series of violations. I will get paid family leave when it’s done but obviously he’s not going to be happy in the process. It’s not my fault he didn’t have a policy in place and pocketed all the money from his employees. If you have a business you should keep up on all the policies, taxes, and safety regulations. Once the state is involved… they have the power to shut you down.

She has her baby shower this Sunday. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the cake and the 3 people I invited that are going. I’m going to be again, surrounded by strangers that need to comment on my appearance. Then some fakeass relatives on my husbands side and friends of friends. Another time I wish I could be drunk or high at a party/event and can’t. It just means we’re getting closer and hopefully everything will be set soon.

Life at 26 weeks

‘How are you?’ I’m fine. I wish people would stop asking me that. It seems to be the greeting these days. I don’t know why they ask, it’s not like I’m going to tell you if I was doing terrible.

My girl is moving a bit more and seems to respond to me touching her and some sounds I play on the music box. She woke me up at 4am Sunday moving all over place. I think it’s because I was a bit hungry. She’s also active around times I eat like she knows food is coming.

The movements don’t bother me. They feel weird when I touch them or see a tiny bump stick up in my stomach. It bothers me when she wants to fuck with my bladder. Especially when I’m working, all I can feel is this pressure then I have to piss.

My back and ribs hurt sometime at work or when I’m driving. Mainly because the seat I sit in sucks and there’s not much I can do besides walk around and suck it up.

I don’t like how I look or how I feel in this body. I know I’m building a life and bla bla bla. I’m just not comfortable in the skin I’m currently in and it’s not my own. It’s exhausting to think day by day what I can, cannot or shouldn’t do. Before I didn’t have too. Now I have to think of the bigger stuff and deal with other changes in life.

Have to think of money. I don’t get paid maternity leave. I’d work as long as possible I have no other choice. Student loans are going up. Gas and everything else is going to cost more because I live farther away from shit now. I can get paid family leave but that only pays 55% what I make now. And I am currently living out of a bag in my husbands parents house. Our apartment isn’t finished and they hardly even started. My current relationship with my husband is another story. I think he constantly tells me he loves me because he knows I’m not happy and feels some sort of guilt. I sometimes wonder if I’d be better off by myself. Hey, my mother basically did it.

New Year

I’ve missed it
after I had extreme sweat
and felt like I was going to have
a heart attack
I’ve lost my sense of time
I fell sick and couldn’t breath
stayed up all not coughing
or waking up the few hours
I slept to pee numerous times
I didn’t call off of work
I didn’t have anyone to cover me
I didn’t see a doctor
I couldn’t do high intensity workouts
I didn’t need a doctor to tell me
but he called them and they told him
if I did it could kill me and the baby
I had to moderate my temperature
if I got another 101 degrees
I had to go to the hospital
I carried on like normal
and lost my voice
some cop pulled me over
for ‘following someone too close’
he let me go with a warning
it was obvious
I wasn’t lying
he could tell by
listening and seeing me
I’m sick and probably stupid
for going to work

I did anyway
I put in for some time to use
the rest of my vacation days
my priorities are changing
I see less the point
in fighting and going to things
that don’t matter
or won’t lead anywhere
all I can say is
enjoy what you have now
whether it be a person or thing
someday it won’t be there
eventually time does run out
but how are you going to spend it?

My dear

You’re funny
you’re cute
you’ve a job
that’s cool

I can’t be with you
I’m older and more arrogant
than you

I don’t know how much experience
you have but I think I have more
I have a list of things I’ve done
and know what I’m capable of

I will use you like I’ve used the rest
keep you as an option in case
it doesn’t work with someone else
hook up with you once or a couple of times
kick you to the curb and get back with someone else

Nothing you say or do will
change me
break me
convince me
phase me

I don’t care about you
I don’t even care about myself
there’s only a few people I care about enough
to make some sort of an effort not to resort back to old self
some old teachers remind me
I’m only human