Why I can’t be an Astrologer

I know nothing about the planets, science, or math.


My astrology forecast would look like this…

9PM: Sorry I couldn’t send this message sooner… There is full moon and stars shinning bright in the sky. I’m guessing the moon is in Taurus because the sun is in Taurus. It means, you are going to want to binge eat soon.


“He is an Aries, I am a Pisces. Should we date?”

My response: “I don’t care, date whoever you want. There is more to astrology then the sun sign.”


“I am a Pisces, he is a Libra.”

“You care what his sign is? So you’re more emotional and he is more detached. Good luck.”


How to read horoscopes…


Today you are going to win a lot of money.

What, you didn’t win money? That’s because Jupiter started acting stupid.

You know you had a pretty lame day when…

-You wake up at 6am. You got two hours of sleep last night.

-You consume half your weight by drinking coffee — it is not effective.

-You are pretty sure you’re related to Frankenstein. You hair is a mess. You have bags under your eyes. Your outfit makes you look as weird as you feel.

-You have to listen to a person talk and chew their food with their mouth open — if you walked away or ignored them, it would be rude.

-The most exciting thing you see is a cute dog walking.

-It is cold outside.