Pregnancy body

So I gained between the normal 20-35lbs and lost 20+ within the first week of giving birth. Here I am 2 months after the fact and I still look like I did when I was 2-3 months pregnant and don’t want to step on a scale.

Why? Because your skin stretches and it’s unrealistic to expect to return to your pre-pregnancy body quickly. I’m lucky I only have stretch marks on my thighs. That’s all I can say. I can only look in the mirror and at how my clothes fit. The scale tells me nothing.

I don’t buy the whole ‘breastfeeding helps you lose weight’ well, for me it didn’t. If anything, making myself do some weird MMA bootcamp shit did. Judge me all you want. I had to quit breastfeeding though I was mass producing and had no issue making milk. It was too much work. I had to pump every 2-3 hours because my engorgement issues. I developed some digestive issues that my baby got as well from something I ate. And my baby had jaundice and had to eat every 2-3 hours. Like it wasn’t enough trying to lact a screaming baby and being the one and only person to wake up numerous times at night to feed her. (Even with formula, you still have to get up. Now it’s only once a night because she is older — not because how I’m feeding her.)

Four weeks postpartum I was back at the gym doing things I probably shouldn’t have been doing. I had no back strength. I could hardly do a sit-up. I did it anyway. I ignored the whole ‘your pelvis is open’ thing. I did it all based on how I was feeling and didn’t listen to the doctors or other people’s opinion. Was it smart? I don’t know but I made it through. Now my arms are stronger. Could be from working out. Could be from carrying around a 12 pound baby all day. Or both.

Do I worry my skin or body won’t go back to where it was? Maybe a little. My mother had six kids and her stomach was a war zone. Full of stretch marks and some saggy skin. I’m not having six kids so I may not have that. My only goal is to look like I did before I was pregnant or close. I’m the worst example to follow. I don’t know why the hell any gym is considering hire me. Not everyone is insane like me. Not everyone has recently thrown out some girls shoulder sparring.

Life at 31 weeks

I’m done, I’ve been done being pregnant for a while! I don’t know how or why my mother did this six times and delivered each one naturally! (She had the same frame as me but 4 inches shorter than me.) I feel and look like a blimp. Now it hurts when she sticks out. The punches and kicks, not so much but that could change.

I already had to pee a lot, now it’s just worst. If I have to go, I have to go. If I wait, it will make my uterus hurt. The last thing anyone wants is a UTI. I got one not pregnant by holding my piss in. Those aren’t fun and hurt like hell — and antibiotics suck.

I’m still working. My doctor told me she won’t take me out of work unless I have complications or high blood pressure. Sometimes I need to sit. I feel like I spend 70% of my time at work now taking a piss. I can’t drive home from work without feeling like my ribs are sinking in. And certain seating positions make my back hurt.

I look in the mirror and think I’m getting fat or my body dysmorphia from junior high school is back. Comments from strangers (mainly 40+ years old) about how I’m getting big, am big, or too small do not stop. They do nothing for me but piss me off and think, you wouldn’t say that to any other person that’s not pregnant. But because I am I’m supposed to deal with it and take it as a compliment though it’s not! I’d rather you greet me about my shoes! Then she sticks out and I’m like, it’s probably mostly her or I hope so. I learned what kind of music and food she reacts too.

Modern day violin and piano covers are her thing. I don’t mind, I don’t like classical music either. Her favorite is “My heart will go on” on YouTube by Taylor Davis. It makes me wonder if I should make her first name Rose instead her middle name. I won’t though, I’ve already set my mind. I wonder if she’s going to be more musically gifted than me. Then I could say musical talent skipped 3 generations. My great grandfather was a musician and influencer. I just hope she tries to enjoy more things than strawberry Frappuccinos and sour cream and onion chips. She moves when I have it like it’s the greatest thing on the planet.

Behind the scenes is chaos and frustration at home and work. It’s a miracle that I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve been waiting for months to unpack my stuff and have space with my husband at the so called ‘apartment’ being worked on. To the point I think she’d come out and we’d have nothing ready. She’d have to live out of suitcase like me.

Work wise, I probably have to consider what I say online. Though my report was anonymous and if he did go against me, it’d hurt him more. I know my employer is being investigated and not just for me, but a series of violations. I will get paid family leave when it’s done but obviously he’s not going to be happy in the process. It’s not my fault he didn’t have a policy in place and pocketed all the money from his employees. If you have a business you should keep up on all the policies, taxes, and safety regulations. Once the state is involved… they have the power to shut you down.

She has her baby shower this Sunday. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the cake and the 3 people I invited that are going. I’m going to be again, surrounded by strangers that need to comment on my appearance. Then some fakeass relatives on my husbands side and friends of friends. Another time I wish I could be drunk or high at a party/event and can’t. It just means we’re getting closer and hopefully everything will be set soon.