Odd fellow

What did you have for lunch? Pumpkin donuts. Yeah, real healthy I’m aware. I’m too lazy and careless to bother with anything else.

Are you on Facebook? I have one but I don’t use it. I’m only tagged in videos and pictures of my daughter. Who seriously asks that these days? Are you gonna friend request me? Haha.

How long have you been married? It’d be three years in October… Why?

How long have you been together? It’d be nine years in October. Why? Is it because I look young? We met in our early 20s, we’re 30. No we didn’t stay together the entire time, we went through on and offs and ups and downs.

What’s his name? What is this the third degree? Are you the police going to investigate him? Or just nosey?

What does he do for a living? He’s an accountant. More like a puppet that hits buttons on a computer all day. Exact opposite of anything and everything I do.

Has he met the owner? No. Why the hell?

Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

My 10 1/2 month old baby

Update.

Ava started walking last week. All those days trying to get her walking with her walker paid off.

She speaks. Not a shocker. Her first word was, “Boom” at 9 months old. Her second word was, “Mommy.” Now she’s saying her name, “Ava.” And “I got” and “Yeah”.

She’s definitely not slow — like her mother. She doesn’t walk or talk on demand either!

She doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying. I mean she’s not a year old — yet. I am reading to her more, telling her what objects are and their color.

She doesn’t go a night without waking up and expecting a bottle. But she sleeps in her crib and NOT with us. She has been for a while. (My sisters baby is almost 2 and just started sleeping in her own room… too afraid her baby would have a fit. They will. They won’t learn if you constantly have to savior them?)

She isn’t a picky eater… I mean she likes chewing on everything right now? She only has 3 teeth at the bottom of her mouth. But her favorite thing is the sweets (like her mother) and her fathers hot dogs.

AND she currently loves Elsa, Olaf, and Pikachu.

FAQ Bitch I’m 30

How old is your baby?
Currently 6 months old.

Are you having another one?
I didn’t plan the first one. There’s no way I’m even thinking about having another one!

How much do you sleep?
I go to bed after 9pm, I’m up around 1am to feed her, and up again around 4am. You do the math. Sometimes I sleep an hour before I go to work if I’m lucky.

How’s your husband?
A fucking asshole as usual. He got fired for running his mouth. I’m not supporting his ass!

How are you?
What version do you want? A filtered answer or the truth? I’m fine. Nobody really cares how you are, it’s a greeting nobody also cares to answer.

I’m not going to tell you I don’t see the point in shit anymore. I have a headache and I’m probably planning something.

Whats your deal with cowboys, why do you keep mentioning them?
I mentioned them for a few days? Probably because something I was thinking of writing. When I think of the ‘bad boys’ of my past I think of the country men I dated. They liked to drink and not really settle down. A few I had an open relationship, friends with benefits or causal sex deal with. It was nothing but fun.

Oh, I thought you had a crush on one?
Meh. No. For a second I was attracted to someone that reminds me of one. Then I went home and had sex with husband and thought nothing of him.

There’s a difference between crush and attraction. Crush, you think about them a lot. Attraction is when you see them and you’re like, they’re hot. Then you go home and have sex with your partner and think nothing of them.

Why are you married?
He’s an asshole but he’s my asshole. He’s been on this roller coaster with me for 8 years now — 6 dating, 2 married. He can be sweet and thoughtful when he wants — like me.

So you’re cheating on your husband?
No. I’m too busy fucking my husband when I’m not busy with other shit.

Are you high?
I wish. Shit it’s been a while since I’ve been high. Maybe that’s my issue. Haha.

How do you do it?
Do what? The answer is always caffeine.

How old are you?
I’m 30. Still 30 for the next 9 months.

What are you working on?
Another story that may or may not sell. But hey, I keep things interesting and moving unlike most of the population. I’m probably not giving it to Amazon, that’s my mistake. They take most of the little profit you make. You need to go through a real publisher and also sell your shit there.

What is your genre?
I need to stick to a genre? I do whatever the hell I want.

Why aren’t you on Facebook?
If you’ve been following me a while or know me in real life, you know I fucking hate Facebook. It reminds me of family reunions I never go too!

Why isn’t your husband on your accounts/you never mention him?
That’s not true, I do from time to time but nobody listens! Haha. He doesn’t have an Instagram (thank god that’d drive everyone nuts) and I don’t need nor want to put my personal relationship shit online. The only time that shit is cute is when you’re in your early 20s and start dating — yeah, we used to be that couple.

And yes, I’m aware he’s on Facebook. It’s me that has an issue with it. He actually uses it to connect with old friends and family, I don’t. So, he has his own space and I have mine. I’m secure enough in my relationship and skin I don’t even care what he does online. I don’t check any of his shit. He doesn’t check mine.

My baby

is the one
and only person
in this world
I love
I live for
she reminds me
when she cries
when I leave
or wakes up
in the middle of
the night
and nothing calms
her down but me

She’s only four months old
she doesn’t understand
what’s going on
they say
that’s why nobody else
can handle her
when she has a fit?

I know nothing
about babies or children
I know my mother said
that was the reason
she held on so long
with her battle with cancer
til they day she left us

She said
”You’ll have a daughter
— like you,
you’ll be a good mother”
when she was sick
I didn’t believe her
I didn’t want to have kids
I had issues settling down
and jump from one person
and thing to another
How? Why?
It didn’t make sense
but neither did losing her

But then, maybe
I learned my capacity
maybe I evolved when
nothing else around me did

I’m still ‘cold’ and lack empathy
towards others and that’s okay
I only care about what’s in my life
it happens now to be her

What I learned having a baby

I don’t want to do again. Hell, I didn’t even plan this.

I stand people less
Mainly in-law relatives I already wanted nothing to do with, now it’s worse. Then people at the grocery store that don’t want to leave us the fuck alone when we’re trying to get out of there!

Maybe I get my ego from my mother
I’m independent so much to the point I don’t ask for help nor want it. Why? Because the second I hand her to someone, say my husbands parents — they ask me a million questions or hands her back the second she fusses. I’m the only one that can handle her so I might as well. I don’t have parents at this point in my life. I don’t need you to parent me or my child!

Maybe I’m also controlling and over protective
Controlling in the stance — she has a certain time she goes to bed and a time period when she needs to eat or she’ll lose her shit. Over protective in the stance, again — I’m not convinced anyone, even her father can take care of her. I woke up one morning with him losing his shit SHOVING food down her throat! Since I’ve been doing pretty much all feedings…

The love and pride my mother had for her kids before she died
She mainly did it all, despite whatever life threw at her. The men in her life were insignificant. She’d give all her money and life for her kids to live.

Now I see, I don’t love him. I live with him and care for her sake. I may have gotten married too quick. I wasn’t ready to get married 3 months after she passed. I panicked. I had no where to go. I had no other place to live. I went through with it anyway. Then I got pregnant a year later and kept it because I saw/heard the heartbeat. I wouldn’t die for him. I wouldn’t risk anything in my life for his sake. For her I would.

What actually happened in labor and delivery

I called the hospital when I was at work because I kept leaking fluid. They told me to come in because it sounded like my water ruptured. I went in and got checked. I was dilated at a centimeter and half. Not even close to having full blown contractions. But they baby HAD to come out, nothing was keeping her safe inside me anymore. So they gave me some drug to speed up the process. Not even at 4 centimeters, I was crying and screaming in pain. Like full on. Worse than you’d see on any television shows. They couldn’t get me an epidural yet. When the epidural finally came, it took some people to get me to sit still.

Then my contractions didn’t hurt that much. So much to the point when I had to push, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I haven’t had a kid before. Some time in they discovered my pushing wasn’t effective because the epidural worked too well. Then they lessened it and all hell broke loose. Then came the crazy crying screaming lady — again. This time I was saying ‘lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘leave me the fuck alone’ at a catholic hospital! I’m lucky they didn’t kick me out in the street! The nurse kept making me move in weird positions and put a ball between my legs. At one point I was pulling a rope with my legs wide open.

2 hours and 17 minutes later at 7:59AM… she came. I was in labor all night. I went from having one nurse in the room to being surrounded by a bunch of people. I remember the doctor pulling her out by the head. She said ‘it’s a girl’. She was purple and had a cone shaped head. They brought her over to some bed thing to check her. She was crying the entire. The doctor said I needed four stitches. At that point I didn’t care. I was watching her and the doctors. Then they told me to push out the placenta. That was fast and painless. But I wondered why they waited to stitch me up first? It was sent over for cultures because I had a fever and tested positive for GBS at my 35 week appointment.

 
After…

You thought that was brutal? Nope the fun began after she was born. She had jaundice and we had to go to the doctor the day after went home then every week until it was near away. She was only born two weeks early and considered full term but apparently it was a huge ordeal where her body wasn’t mature enough to process her food. And then all the crying… and fights that broke out between her father and I.

I tried to breastfeed and pump. I had no production issues. I had engorgement issues — I had to pump every 2-3 hours. It became too much for me. I had digestive issues from something and so did she. Instead of playing Russian roulette to figure out what the hell it was, I stopped. I can tell you, I don’t miss constantly leaking everywhere or having enormous size tits that hurt and don’t fit in my bras!

My body, though. I lost 20+ lbs the first week after I gave birth. I only have stretch marks. It’s true you do bleed for a while after you give birth. I bled for about 7 weeks. I wasn’t back working out like I was before I was pregnant until 4 weeks postpartum. Probably only once in my life I listened to a doctors advice. He told me because my pelvis was so opened, I was more prone to infection and injury and shouldn’t go run a marathon or do anything crazy. When I did go back, I can tell you I could hardly do a sit-up. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy took from my back until I tried to lift my body up. And running? Haha. My boobs wouldn’t allow it. They hurt. Not period hurt. Hurt like someone was trying to pull them from my body. So I had to ease back in. In a few weeks I was back to myself… before.

And my doctor said I would start my period in a few weeks after my appointment last month. Here it is over a month later and nothing. I know some people it can take longer but help me god, I better not be pregnant again.

How life changes with a baby

Say goodbye to sleep

Want to nap? You have 5 minutes, maybe 30 if you’re lucky. Your nights of sleeping uninterrupted are over. Then when you got to feed the baby, you have to put it back asleep when you’re half asleep at 2am.

 

Say goodbye to doing anything like you used too

Sometimes you can’t even take a piss when you want too — you have a screaming baby attached to your boob or hip. If you have no one around to watch her and you have errands to do, she has to come with you — and it takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to get her ready and leave the house!

 

If she has a tantrum in public well…

It’s aggravating as hell and you have people looking at you like ‘stfu’. You’re thinking, she’s a baby she cries. I did everything before I left I can’t help it. Mind your business.

 

Or people need to stop you when you’re out

Comment on how cute she is blah blah blah. It’s almost like you can’t go anywhere without something happening or someone up your ass.

 

And EVERYONE wants to see her or tell you how to raise her

So be mad at me 90% of the time because I say no. She’s my daughter. You should have thought about having a relationship with me before she was even born. But now you think you’re entitled to her hahaha. If I want your help, I’ll let you know. Actually I won’t because I don’t.

Welcome to postpartum

I thought being pregnant was bad. I was wrong.

Pushing a 7 pound baby out was bad. Lot of blood and some stitches involved. Nobody told me she was coming 2 weeks early. I had a pretty healthy pregnancy with no complications.

Then she comes. I hear she has jaundice and do everything in my power to reduce it. I did everything the doctors told me to do.

Feed her every 2 hours. Get no sleep. Feel completely worthless and exhausted. This is my first.

Wish my husband would go back to work. He keeps trying to pawn her off to his parents. His mother acts like she is hers. Well then, you deal with all the fussing when she eats and the shitty diapers at 3am. She’s only around when she’s sleeping or when it’s convenient to her schedule to make herself look good.

Here comes the PTSD or what it feel like, night sweats. Like having inflamed boobs constantly and a bleeding vagina wasn’t enough.

Then I watch my mother’s boyfriend before she died write everyone a petty goodbye message. Some ‘father figure’ I haven’t spoke to him since Christmas and he never once asked me how I was when I was pregnant. Didn’t even know when I was in labor. My actual father did and surprisingly showed up at the hospital.

And the newborn. Most people don’t understand that we really are on a schedule with her right now because her condition. Everyone wants to see her. Everyone has questions. Nobody respects our privacy.

Ava Rose

My water broke at 3am, Tuesday July 23. I didn’t know it did. I passed it off as more mucus from the plug or fluid passing. I tried to go about my day and had gush episodes here and there. By 2pm I finally realized, hey I lost my plug a week ago. I wouldn’t still be leaking, especially clear and pink fluid. My ‘regular’ Braxton Hicks were gone. Then came some stomach pain and back aches. I called the doctor and they told me it sounded like my water broke and I needed to come in.

I came in and they saw I ruptured. I didn’t matter I was 1 centimeter dilated and only 50% effaced. The baby needed to come out. It’d have serious effects on the both of us. And I should have called in the morning when it happened. It was the first time I experienced any of it. She was only 38 weeks old in the womb. I expected it to happen at 39, not 38. I didn’t get to choose.

I got admitted and given a drug to induce labor. By 4 centimeters I was screaming and crying in pain. I got an epidural. It helped with some contractions but when it came time to push, I was helpless. They had to lessen my dose thinking if I felt more I would work harder to push her out. I tried. It was 2 and a half hours of yelling, swearing, and blood. Then her head finally came out. They basically ripped her out my vagina. I was given 4 stitches. And for myself a ticket to be admitted an extra day because how long my water was broke and the Strep B thing I tested positive for at my 36 week appointment. Now I’m here an extra day long because she has a mild case of jaundice and difficulty making bowel movement.

All said and done, she came. At her own time which I thought she was going too. On July 24, 2019 at 7:59Am. I had no issues breastfeeding with her but swollen overfull boobs. I never understood why people would do stuff like that. But now I see it’s part of nature. And you really think I’m going to pawn her off to someone or deal with people/situations and shit I don’t need too? Nope. Once she was born she gave me a reason to live and lead my life.