Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

My baby

is the one
and only person
in this world
I love
I live for
she reminds me
when she cries
when I leave
or wakes up
in the middle of
the night
and nothing calms
her down but me

She’s only four months old
she doesn’t understand
what’s going on
they say
that’s why nobody else
can handle her
when she has a fit?

I know nothing
about babies or children
I know my mother said
that was the reason
she held on so long
with her battle with cancer
til they day she left us

She said
”You’ll have a daughter
— like you,
you’ll be a good mother”
when she was sick
I didn’t believe her
I didn’t want to have kids
I had issues settling down
and jump from one person
and thing to another
How? Why?
It didn’t make sense
but neither did losing her

But then, maybe
I learned my capacity
maybe I evolved when
nothing else around me did

I’m still ‘cold’ and lack empathy
towards others and that’s okay
I only care about what’s in my life
it happens now to be her

Ava Rose

My water broke at 3am, Tuesday July 23. I didn’t know it did. I passed it off as more mucus from the plug or fluid passing. I tried to go about my day and had gush episodes here and there. By 2pm I finally realized, hey I lost my plug a week ago. I wouldn’t still be leaking, especially clear and pink fluid. My ‘regular’ Braxton Hicks were gone. Then came some stomach pain and back aches. I called the doctor and they told me it sounded like my water broke and I needed to come in.

I came in and they saw I ruptured. I didn’t matter I was 1 centimeter dilated and only 50% effaced. The baby needed to come out. It’d have serious effects on the both of us. And I should have called in the morning when it happened. It was the first time I experienced any of it. She was only 38 weeks old in the womb. I expected it to happen at 39, not 38. I didn’t get to choose.

I got admitted and given a drug to induce labor. By 4 centimeters I was screaming and crying in pain. I got an epidural. It helped with some contractions but when it came time to push, I was helpless. They had to lessen my dose thinking if I felt more I would work harder to push her out. I tried. It was 2 and a half hours of yelling, swearing, and blood. Then her head finally came out. They basically ripped her out my vagina. I was given 4 stitches. And for myself a ticket to be admitted an extra day because how long my water was broke and the Strep B thing I tested positive for at my 36 week appointment. Now I’m here an extra day long because she has a mild case of jaundice and difficulty making bowel movement.

All said and done, she came. At her own time which I thought she was going too. On July 24, 2019 at 7:59Am. I had no issues breastfeeding with her but swollen overfull boobs. I never understood why people would do stuff like that. But now I see it’s part of nature. And you really think I’m going to pawn her off to someone or deal with people/situations and shit I don’t need too? Nope. Once she was born she gave me a reason to live and lead my life.

Life at 31 weeks

I’m done, I’ve been done being pregnant for a while! I don’t know how or why my mother did this six times and delivered each one naturally! (She had the same frame as me but 4 inches shorter than me.) I feel and look like a blimp. Now it hurts when she sticks out. The punches and kicks, not so much but that could change.

I already had to pee a lot, now it’s just worst. If I have to go, I have to go. If I wait, it will make my uterus hurt. The last thing anyone wants is a UTI. I got one not pregnant by holding my piss in. Those aren’t fun and hurt like hell — and antibiotics suck.

I’m still working. My doctor told me she won’t take me out of work unless I have complications or high blood pressure. Sometimes I need to sit. I feel like I spend 70% of my time at work now taking a piss. I can’t drive home from work without feeling like my ribs are sinking in. And certain seating positions make my back hurt.

I look in the mirror and think I’m getting fat or my body dysmorphia from junior high school is back. Comments from strangers (mainly 40+ years old) about how I’m getting big, am big, or too small do not stop. They do nothing for me but piss me off and think, you wouldn’t say that to any other person that’s not pregnant. But because I am I’m supposed to deal with it and take it as a compliment though it’s not! I’d rather you greet me about my shoes! Then she sticks out and I’m like, it’s probably mostly her or I hope so. I learned what kind of music and food she reacts too.

Modern day violin and piano covers are her thing. I don’t mind, I don’t like classical music either. Her favorite is “My heart will go on” on YouTube by Taylor Davis. It makes me wonder if I should make her first name Rose instead her middle name. I won’t though, I’ve already set my mind. I wonder if she’s going to be more musically gifted than me. Then I could say musical talent skipped 3 generations. My great grandfather was a musician and influencer. I just hope she tries to enjoy more things than strawberry Frappuccinos and sour cream and onion chips. She moves when I have it like it’s the greatest thing on the planet.

Behind the scenes is chaos and frustration at home and work. It’s a miracle that I don’t have high blood pressure. I’ve been waiting for months to unpack my stuff and have space with my husband at the so called ‘apartment’ being worked on. To the point I think she’d come out and we’d have nothing ready. She’d have to live out of suitcase like me.

Work wise, I probably have to consider what I say online. Though my report was anonymous and if he did go against me, it’d hurt him more. I know my employer is being investigated and not just for me, but a series of violations. I will get paid family leave when it’s done but obviously he’s not going to be happy in the process. It’s not my fault he didn’t have a policy in place and pocketed all the money from his employees. If you have a business you should keep up on all the policies, taxes, and safety regulations. Once the state is involved… they have the power to shut you down.

She has her baby shower this Sunday. The only thing I’m looking forward to is the cake and the 3 people I invited that are going. I’m going to be again, surrounded by strangers that need to comment on my appearance. Then some fakeass relatives on my husbands side and friends of friends. Another time I wish I could be drunk or high at a party/event and can’t. It just means we’re getting closer and hopefully everything will be set soon.