My 10 1/2 month old baby

Update.

Ava started walking last week. All those days trying to get her walking with her walker paid off.

She speaks. Not a shocker. Her first word was, “Boom” at 9 months old. Her second word was, “Mommy.” Now she’s saying her name, “Ava.” And “I got” and “Yeah”.

She’s definitely not slow — like her mother. She doesn’t walk or talk on demand either!

She doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying. I mean she’s not a year old — yet. I am reading to her more, telling her what objects are and their color.

She doesn’t go a night without waking up and expecting a bottle. But she sleeps in her crib and NOT with us. She has been for a while. (My sisters baby is almost 2 and just started sleeping in her own room… too afraid her baby would have a fit. They will. They won’t learn if you constantly have to savior them?)

She isn’t a picky eater… I mean she likes chewing on everything right now? She only has 3 teeth at the bottom of her mouth. But her favorite thing is the sweets (like her mother) and her fathers hot dogs.

AND she currently loves Elsa, Olaf, and Pikachu.

What actually happened in labor and delivery

I called the hospital when I was at work because I kept leaking fluid. They told me to come in because it sounded like my water ruptured. I went in and got checked. I was dilated at a centimeter and half. Not even close to having full blown contractions. But they baby HAD to come out, nothing was keeping her safe inside me anymore. So they gave me some drug to speed up the process. Not even at 4 centimeters, I was crying and screaming in pain. Like full on. Worse than you’d see on any television shows. They couldn’t get me an epidural yet. When the epidural finally came, it took some people to get me to sit still.

Then my contractions didn’t hurt that much. So much to the point when I had to push, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I haven’t had a kid before. Some time in they discovered my pushing wasn’t effective because the epidural worked too well. Then they lessened it and all hell broke loose. Then came the crazy crying screaming lady — again. This time I was saying ‘lord Jesus Christ’ and ‘leave me the fuck alone’ at a catholic hospital! I’m lucky they didn’t kick me out in the street! The nurse kept making me move in weird positions and put a ball between my legs. At one point I was pulling a rope with my legs wide open.

2 hours and 17 minutes later at 7:59AM… she came. I was in labor all night. I went from having one nurse in the room to being surrounded by a bunch of people. I remember the doctor pulling her out by the head. She said ‘it’s a girl’. She was purple and had a cone shaped head. They brought her over to some bed thing to check her. She was crying the entire. The doctor said I needed four stitches. At that point I didn’t care. I was watching her and the doctors. Then they told me to push out the placenta. That was fast and painless. But I wondered why they waited to stitch me up first? It was sent over for cultures because I had a fever and tested positive for GBS at my 35 week appointment.

 
After…

You thought that was brutal? Nope the fun began after she was born. She had jaundice and we had to go to the doctor the day after went home then every week until it was near away. She was only born two weeks early and considered full term but apparently it was a huge ordeal where her body wasn’t mature enough to process her food. And then all the crying… and fights that broke out between her father and I.

I tried to breastfeed and pump. I had no production issues. I had engorgement issues — I had to pump every 2-3 hours. It became too much for me. I had digestive issues from something and so did she. Instead of playing Russian roulette to figure out what the hell it was, I stopped. I can tell you, I don’t miss constantly leaking everywhere or having enormous size tits that hurt and don’t fit in my bras!

My body, though. I lost 20+ lbs the first week after I gave birth. I only have stretch marks. It’s true you do bleed for a while after you give birth. I bled for about 7 weeks. I wasn’t back working out like I was before I was pregnant until 4 weeks postpartum. Probably only once in my life I listened to a doctors advice. He told me because my pelvis was so opened, I was more prone to infection and injury and shouldn’t go run a marathon or do anything crazy. When I did go back, I can tell you I could hardly do a sit-up. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy took from my back until I tried to lift my body up. And running? Haha. My boobs wouldn’t allow it. They hurt. Not period hurt. Hurt like someone was trying to pull them from my body. So I had to ease back in. In a few weeks I was back to myself… before.

And my doctor said I would start my period in a few weeks after my appointment last month. Here it is over a month later and nothing. I know some people it can take longer but help me god, I better not be pregnant again.

Baby me

I ate a stick of butter
thinking it was chocolate
I snuck candy on the
coffee table
when no one was looking
I saw a black shadow
laying in my parents bed
I didn’t understand

I ripped Santa’s beard off
I didn’t know who he was
or what it was hanging from his face
I pushed a kid off a bike
my older sister told me too
I thought it was cool
to get up and chase
the cat under the bed

I wasn’t a crier
I was always observing
people staring at me
made me antsy
I drew on the wall
with markers, crayons
or anything I could find really
I said,
“Look mommy I made wall pretty”
she was mad
I had boards and coloring books
I preferred the wall

When I had popsicles
I put the sticks in a pot hole
My friend
(I thought was a person real but turned out to be a spirit — I didn’t understand that at the time)
told me to save them for her
I spoke to her in jibberish
til my mother caught me
and told me to play with my friend
that lived next store

Why I don’t want to get married or have kids.

Philosophy: You’re in a prison sentence once you decide to get married. You made a lifetime commitment. Once you have kids, you’re no longer in prison. Your life is completely over.

 

Marriage

For me to get married, I need to find someone that fits me. I mean, really fits me. I can’t be with someone if I know I’m not going to be happy or annoyed 24/7. That’s not a healthy relationship.

At the point I am at in my life right now I can’t think about marriage. I haven’t exactly came to my full, to accept another person’s full. I can love all I want, I just can’t make that big of a commitment.

 

Children

Kids generally annoy me. It’s not that I hate them or am a bad person, it’s just I have no patience. Yelling and crying sets me off. I can’t imagine having to take care of one.

If I were to get pregnant right now, I would get an abortion. It sounds bad but hey, I have to be honest with myself. I am no position to have a kid right now nor do I want one. I don’t think bringing a child in my chaos, unhappiness, instability, and confusion is best for the child either. I would be automatically setting the child up for a difficult life. Maybe a child ten years from now, who knows — and if I even want one. I don’t know.