Honest interview

Tell me about yourself.
I’m a grownass woman. I’m married and have a one year old. I come from a history of shit jobs and have a college education. Oh, and I published some books you’ll never read on Amazon.

Why do you want to work for this company?
I don’t. I applied because you pay more per hour.

How much experience do you have in this field?
What you mean pushing buttons? Haha. It’s so easy my one year could do it.

Can you stand for a long period of time?
Have you even read my resume?

What makes you the ideal candidate for this job?
I don’t give a fuck.

Can you tell me more about your last job?
The owner didn’t want to pay me. The supervisor was trying to sleep with me. He knows I slept with a former supervisor and thought maybe I would. Haha. No.

Where do you see yourself within this company in 5 years?
I don’t. I don’t even want to work for you and have all these responsibilities dumped upon me.

Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond?
For what? To get laid or paid? Lmao. Never. Nobody ever paid attention or gave two shits what I did.

Are you a team player?
Define what you mean. Are we playing a sport? Maybe. Are you trying to dump everyone’s shit on me? Fuck off.

How soon of a notice do you need if we were to hire you?
Soon enough so I can piss people off.

FAQ Bitch I’m 30

How old is your baby?
Currently 6 months old.

Are you having another one?
I didn’t plan the first one. There’s no way I’m even thinking about having another one!

How much do you sleep?
I go to bed after 9pm, I’m up around 1am to feed her, and up again around 4am. You do the math. Sometimes I sleep an hour before I go to work if I’m lucky.

How’s your husband?
A fucking asshole as usual. He got fired for running his mouth. I’m not supporting his ass!

How are you?
What version do you want? A filtered answer or the truth? I’m fine. Nobody really cares how you are, it’s a greeting nobody also cares to answer.

I’m not going to tell you I don’t see the point in shit anymore. I have a headache and I’m probably planning something.

Whats your deal with cowboys, why do you keep mentioning them?
I mentioned them for a few days? Probably because something I was thinking of writing. When I think of the ‘bad boys’ of my past I think of the country men I dated. They liked to drink and not really settle down. A few I had an open relationship, friends with benefits or causal sex deal with. It was nothing but fun.

Oh, I thought you had a crush on one?
Meh. No. For a second I was attracted to someone that reminds me of one. Then I went home and had sex with husband and thought nothing of him.

There’s a difference between crush and attraction. Crush, you think about them a lot. Attraction is when you see them and you’re like, they’re hot. Then you go home and have sex with your partner and think nothing of them.

Why are you married?
He’s an asshole but he’s my asshole. He’s been on this roller coaster with me for 8 years now — 6 dating, 2 married. He can be sweet and thoughtful when he wants — like me.

So you’re cheating on your husband?
No. I’m too busy fucking my husband when I’m not busy with other shit.

Are you high?
I wish. Shit it’s been a while since I’ve been high. Maybe that’s my issue. Haha.

How do you do it?
Do what? The answer is always caffeine.

How old are you?
I’m 30. Still 30 for the next 9 months.

What are you working on?
Another story that may or may not sell. But hey, I keep things interesting and moving unlike most of the population. I’m probably not giving it to Amazon, that’s my mistake. They take most of the little profit you make. You need to go through a real publisher and also sell your shit there.

What is your genre?
I need to stick to a genre? I do whatever the hell I want.

Why aren’t you on Facebook?
If you’ve been following me a while or know me in real life, you know I fucking hate Facebook. It reminds me of family reunions I never go too!

Why isn’t your husband on your accounts/you never mention him?
That’s not true, I do from time to time but nobody listens! Haha. He doesn’t have an Instagram (thank god that’d drive everyone nuts) and I don’t need nor want to put my personal relationship shit online. The only time that shit is cute is when you’re in your early 20s and start dating — yeah, we used to be that couple.

And yes, I’m aware he’s on Facebook. It’s me that has an issue with it. He actually uses it to connect with old friends and family, I don’t. So, he has his own space and I have mine. I’m secure enough in my relationship and skin I don’t even care what he does online. I don’t check any of his shit. He doesn’t check mine.

Given $6 for answering

I don’t know why you contact someone to tell you what you already know… Oh, because you think I’m psychic.

 
 

Lady: Does he still think of me?
Me: How long were you together?

 

Lady: We weren’t together, we only texted.
Me: Yes he still thinks of you.

 

Lady: How does he think of me, does he miss me?
Me: He thinks of you as an option.

 

Lady: Like he is using me or sex?
Me: Yes.

 

Lady: Do you see him coming back?
Me: Yes but you don’t need that. You need someone that will see you.

 

Lady: He doesn’t want to see me? Why?
Me: It’s not that he doesn’t, it’s that he hasn’t. He has something going on he’s not telling you about.

 

Lady: Was I right to leave him?
Me: Yes.

‘Make it or break it’ questions

I feel like the next time someone asks me about myself, I’m going to give them this link so I can stop explaining and answering the same questions.

 

Is that really you in your photo?
Yes.

 

What body type do you prefer?
Thin, athletic, or average.

 

Would you date someone taller?
I have in the past, so maybe.

 

Would you date someone shorter?
Men? No. Women? Maybe.

 

How often do you masturbate?
Why? This shouldn’t be public knowledge. If you’re worried about me being a porn addict or sex addict, I’m not.

 

How often do you have sex?
Not as often as you like to think.

 

Do politics interest you?
Hell no.

 

Do you believe in God?
No.

 

Do you have a religion?
No.

 

Are you spiritual?
Yes.

 

Do you eat meat?
The only meat I eat is chicken but I’m thinking about being a vegetarian.

 

Are a single parent?
No.

 

Are you looking for someone to have kids with?
No?

 

Are you monogamous?
Yes until I find out you’re cheating on me.

 

Have you ever cheated?
Years ago.

 

Will you cheat on me?
No, I’d dump you.

 

What is important to you?
Fitness and my work.

 

What is your sexual orientation?
Bisexual.

 

Does that mean you’re going to leave me for a man/woman?
No.

 

Do you have threesomes?
No.

 

Do you have an STD?
No.

 

Do you go to orgies?
No and I’ve never been to one.

 

Would you like to join my partner and I?
No.

 

Do you date a man and woman at the same time?
No, do you date two guys or two girls at the same time?

 

Why does your profile say you’re only looking for women?
Because I don’t want a man.

 

Are you gay?
No.

 

Are you experimenting?
No.
 

Is this a phase?
No.

 

How old are you?
26 years old.

 

What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck off.

Honestly answering an Ex’s questions

Why didn’t you respond to my text?
You texted me? I blocked your cell phone number.

 

Did you miss me?
I miss the sex, I don’t miss you so much.

 

Do you love me?
I loved you but I don’t anymore. Okay, maybe I do love you. Not in the sense I want to marry you, in the sense I don’t want to hurt you.

 

Would you consider getting back with me?
No, yes, no, yes, no. It depends, are you still flirting with/screwing everyone you see?

 

Why did you break up with me?
I was still in love with my ex boyfriend.

 

You loved your ex more than you loved me?
Yes. I mean, we’ve been together for four years.

 

So you choose him over me?
Yes.

 

Will you go out with me?
Maybe if I was single.

 

Why did you make it difficult to see me when you were single?
I knew you only wanted to see me to have sex and I had a million other things going on my in my life. The last thing I wanted to be was some guy’s booty call.

 
 

Life questions

If I think another girl is hot, does it make me a lesbian?
Only if you don’t like men.

Can I get pregnant from masturbation?
That’s why you’re $100,000 in debt. Child support.

Is it okay to date two people at once?
Can you live with herpes?

Why can’t I get pregnant?
Did you try having sex?

Why am I so miserable?
You’re not getting laid.

Why am I still single?
Because you’re asking me why you’re single.

Why don’t they like me?
They’re losers.

Am I going to get a better job?
Call a psychic.

Questions you shouldn’t ask

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY

GIRL (20s) and GUY (20s) sit on the couch in front of the television. Guy takes out his cell phone and strolls through his text messages. Girl looks at him furiously.

GIRL

Who are you texting?

GUY

My sister.

GIRL

Thought you said you don’t have a sister?

GUY

Right, it’s my mother.

GIRL

You said your mother is dead.

GUY

Fuck.

GIRL

YOU.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK — DAY
Guy and Girl sit on the beach. Kids behind them LAUGH and SCREAM. They stare at each other.

GUY

What were you doing last night?

GIRL

I told you, I was working.

GUY

Then why were you posting Facebook status’ at 4am?

GIRL

I wasn’t! Check the time.

Guy moves closer to Girl. His face turns red, his eyes water.

GUY

Don’t need too, I know you were out with him. Why don’t you admit it!?

Girl backs away from Guy.

GIRL

With who? My brother.

GUY

Your ex. If not, why are you still talking to him?

GIRL

Why are you going through my text messages?

GUY

It couldn’t be because you cheated on me once.

GIRL

You’re dumb.

Girl gets up and walks away.