31 drunk thoughts

1. Halloween is on 31 and I’m going to be 31 in a week. Fuck.
2. I’m feeling weird like the first time I was pregnant. No, I don’t have coronavirus bitch.
3. What is this?
4. I had a drink where did it go?
5. Maybe I shouldn’t be drinking if I think I’m pregnant. I don’t seriously think I am. Do I?
6. I’d love to smash some pumpkins.
7. Monday I’m not going in.
8. Bitches would take me back part time.
That’s funny, you know I left?
9. Ironic, because he was trying to sleep with me too.
10. I haven’t ever heard back from them so I don’t know why they’re stalking my feed.
11. Thinking about hiring me? No. Do I look like I was born yesterday.
12. Hmmm maybe I should no.
13. There’s something in my nose.
14. I’m going to be out in about 20 mins.
15. Yeah, I’m waking up with a headache.
16. What is that noise?
17. It’s the sound of me dying again.
18. Maybe I should.
19. No.
20. No.
21. Fuck it. Why the fuck do I care? I don’t.
22. Yes.
23. No.
24. I’m bored.
25. I need to forget everything.
26. This is the wrong stuff.
27. The fuck, sometimes I get so mad and wonder why I stopped smoking weed.
28. Maybe that’s my problem.
29. Who cares.
30. I don’t because I’ve no idea when I’m going to be drug tested.
31. Whose creeping now?

29 lessons

Because I’m bored at work and am going to be 29 in a month and half, I did this…


1. Not all teachers are bad, only those that compare you to your siblings.
2. Don’t give back something someone gave you.
3. Don’t tell your loud classmate a ‘secret’.
4. Too much blue lip gloss is not cute.
5. Don’t starve yourself for a boy.
6. Being quiet at times is part of your personality.
7. Being detached is part of your nature and you express emotions differently.
8. Don’t start believing in God because people think you should.
9. Not everyone will know what you know, see or believe what you do.
10. Sex is sex — physical and meaningless.
11. Don’t have sex with someone with obsessed with you.
12. Don’t joke about a threesome with a crazy man because it will happen.
13. Plan B will fuck up your cycle.
14. Try not to have sex with co-workers or supervisors.
15. Marriage is a contract, it shouldn’t be that way but it is.
16. Nothing is permanent.
17. Dancing is fun when it’s not structured.
18. Always a runner — physically and emotionally.
19. How to hide things; give partial truths, light, or realistic lies.
20. Don’t trust the man.
21. A lot of people around you are high or on drugs.
22. Taking a ‘sleep aid’ won’t help your supposed sleep disorder or PTSD.
23. You never think before you speak.
24. Never say those three words unless you mean it.
25. Dairy is not your friend.
26. Math is not your friend.
27. Your mother never agreed with your choices but wanted you to be happy.
28. You shouldn’t feel guilt for something you didn’t do.
29. Marijuana was a temporary fix for your anger issues, you’re better without it.

When I was

My mother dressed me in pink because it made me happy.

I drank my father’s beer thinking it was Pepsi.

I pushed a boy off his bike because my oldest sister told me too.

A boy kissed me and I thought I was pregnant.

I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop — on my birthday.

I told someone in class, “I make my barbies have sex” and she ratted on me — I still thought sex was kissing.

My best friend’s last name was Lemonhart.

I learned how to swim.

“Hey Arnold” came out, I liked Helga because she reminded me of me.

I danced “Opps I did it again” in a talent show.

I vandalized a park with toilet paper, broke a fountain, and had an angry mob chase after me and my friend.

Dealt with being the new kid in school and questioned why I pretended to like someone I didn’t like.

I had the first boy to cheat on me and the first boy I’d have to dump.

I ran track, I hate it, and everyone hated me; I was slow and they mocked me for being fat and ugly.

I thought I liked some asshole from middle school.

Became anorexic.

First real kiss but with someone I met online from Argentina.

Got drunk, danced around a fire, and attempted to go skinny dipping with my clothes on.

I had a purity ring, which I lost.

I had sex with a virgin in a hotel.

I slept with two guys named Chris.

The first date with my boyfriend, he told me loved me and I called him crazy.

I smashed my laptop writing an Archaeology paper and decided to major in Creative Writing instead of Anthropology.

Developed my ice coffee addiction, 3 a day and back seat of car full of cups.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer.

I got another pregnancy scare…

The Annoying Survey

Do you agree all this information is true to your knowledge? [x] Yes [] No (I can’t say no because you won’t pay me.)

What is your age? 21

What year were you born? 2015

What year is it? 1989

What best describes your ethic background? [x] Other, Specify: Northern European and Russian / possibly Middle Eastern because my father was a pathological liar, he probably lied about where he is from too.

What is your annual income? Prefer not to answer

What is the highest level of college you completed? 4 years Bachelors

How often do you consume alcohol? 1-3 times a MONTH

How much of the grocery shopping do you do? Other, Specify: Whenever I want to get something which is all the time.

Do you have any children? No

Do you have a cell phone? DO YOU?

Things to do before I’m 30.

My sister requested I make this list. (And put lesbian number 3.)

1. Get a real job.
2. Move down south.
3. Be a lesbian. (I’m gay? Is it because I said I would be open to trying things with a woman?)
4. Make a porno.
5. Jump off an airplane.
6. Have sex on a beach.
7. Paint on a building. Hope it’s legal.
8. Tan outside naked.
9. Smoke pot at parties.
10. Get drunk off moonshine. That shit is good.
11. Turn my collection of sunglasses into artwork.
12. Have a threesome. One guy, two girls.
13. Write a song.
14. Get drunk and sing karaoke/dance on stage.
15. Make a YouTube video of me drunk.
16. Go in public with a bunch of paint on my face.
17. Tell a random person on the street to fuck off.
18. Have sex with an older rich guy.
19. Travel places.
20. Light stupid objects on fire.

… Pray to god I strike rich or marry money. Pray to god if I do marry by then, it’s not some asshole — and there are no kids.