Ava A-Z

A is for Ava
B is for baby, you’re my baby
C is for color, you currently like all
D is for dad, you don’t listen to him
E is for every morning and night, I‘m the first one you see when you wake and the one to put you to sleep
F is for fire, you are a fire sign that’s in love with Frozen
G is for girl, you’re my girl
H is for Hocus Pocus, you stole my Hocus Pocus blanket like you did Frozen
I is for ice cream, a few bites and we regret giving it to you
J is for July, you were born in July 24, 2019
K is for kid, I didn’t want a kid but I had you and I don’t regret it
L is for love, of course you are my love
M is for mom, I am your mom
N is for nobody, don’t listen to nobody’s bullshit
O is for one, I can’t believe you’re going to be one
P is for Pikachu, between 4-9 months old I played videos of him and you smiled and stopped crying
Q is for quick, you are like your mother
R is for read, you like being read too
S is for summer, the season you were born
T is for talk, you can say a few words but only when you want too
U is for unicorn, one of your favorite books is ‘Peekaboo Unicorn’
V is voice, you like your Frozen dolls that have a voice
W is for walking and water, you were walking around 10 months and loved playing and splashing in water since 3 months
X is for xylophone, I hope I don’t regret getting it for your birthday
Y is for yellow, I believe that was your favorite color because it was the first one you’ve seen
Z is for zero, I don’t care who messes with you…they’re done

Last July

He wasn’t around much
you were
I saw fireworks with him
but felt none
at a boring baseball game

you worked during
the fireworks we had at work
I stood around and waited
for you to finish
to say ‘goodbye’

You said you’d make it up
to me and you did
we got a hotel room
we hooked up after work

There was a party
I agreed to meet you there
I was stoned and drunk
you were just drunk
I let you drive my car
we did it under the stars
at a church
and you told me you loved me

I questioned it
when I was sober
you said you
wouldn’t take it back
I avoided any other
conversation about it
it wasn’t what we agreed upon
we were only having fun
both of us had someone

Did he stop trying, no
did he stop drinking, no
he blacked out at work
drinking on the job

Everyone thought
I was being too nice to him
when really I didn’t know the way out
he was one of my bosses
I could only pull away so much
and not say those words

Summer ended

Fall came
and we was behind bars for a DWI

Yet he still told me
you’re the hippie girl
I fell in love with
I meant what I said
I know in your heart
you want to be a mother
you’ll be good

 

No, it’s not his

What a miserable life

she leads
she hangouts
at a dying mall all day
while her boyfriend works
with her 3 babies from
3 different baby daddies
none of which are her
boyfriend’s

she doesn’t work
she doesn’t drive
if you heard her talk
you’d think she has
no education

other people support her
she waits around for a ride

I see her five days a week
only because I work there

I’ve seen this before
and I wonder if she’s lazy
she doesn’t look disabled
she looks unhappy
like she knows she needs
to rely on other people
a daily basis and does
nothing about it

I’m not happy
but I’m not miserable
I work for everything
I don’t wait on other people
I don’t make excuses
despite the numerous times
I’m shitted on by people
and circumstances
beyond my control
I refuse to let them
change who I am or my course
 

Because I’m pregnant

I don’t get special treatment
no one holds the door open for me
people increasingly like to cut me off when I’m walking

People at work
still expect me to do everything
like I have been
I still got frowned upon my
nosey coworker when I take a break
though she takes multiple

People I’m associated with
through marriage more so expect me
to worship the ground they walk on
and kiss their ass
and talk shit about me when I’m
on the other corner of the room
or behind my back

Strangers say ‘congratulations’
as a way to greet me

People at the gym need to comment
on how impressed they are
I workout or point at my stomach
like they’re 4 years old and they
haven’t seen a pregnant chick before

Acquittances need to greet me
with how big I’m getting
like I don’t have eyes and an mirror

My husband is still my husband
and will fight with me regardless
I don’t have ESP

There’s not a day I’m not either
invisible, in the center of the floor, or someone’s target

And some of them want to see
pictures or the baby
and I’m thinking, you know
pregnancy hasn’t affected my memory
or ability to put
one and two together
y’all treat me
like shit or talk shit about me behind my back
and you think for a second or two
you try to kiss my ass,
it’ll change anything?
I might be blonde but
I’m not a fucking idiot

All this time I have kept to myself
kept my I don’t give a fuck persona
and dealt with you crazy people
treat others how
you want to be treated
they say
if you were pregnant,
would you want to deal with this?
No
I’m glad (not really) I’m bringing a child in this world
full of hypocrites but
she’ll know the truth

Rose

glass one
I gave my mother
made a pile of leaves
shaped them in a heart
put them on top
each one of her kids
put one on her coffin
the day we said bye
the glass one
returned to me

I was supposed to be
married but fell
for a man with the last name
he was nothing more
but a thorn that cut himself
he said he fell for me
he said he loved his kids
he couldn’t stop drinking
and running from the cops

My husband gave me
one that resembled
‘beauty and the beast’
for Valentine’s Day
he said that’s because
a real one would die
the same thing I’ve said
about the glass one

Said I’d make ‘Rose’
my daughters middle name
not to be named after a thorn
my mother symbolically
though he saw something
nobody else living saw
who I am in nature

Here it comes

I skipped
the entire month
of November
so far
he got me tests
thinking nothing
but she’s late
I take two
two hours apart
they both come back
positive
I went out and got
a shitty store brand name
it came out the same

I think
what the hell
am I going to do
if it’s true?
I have to pretty much
give up everything
and destroy my body
I’ve been working on
for 29 years now
I don’t have a good job
I don’t want to rely
on other people
I don’t know if it’s
worth it or if I’ll
ruin it in the process
of all people
why does it have to be me?
I took Plan B
it shouldn’t have happened
or perhaps
I have something else
wrong with me
highly unlikely but
why?

I don’t want to
be a mother
I value my freedom
I don’t have patience
for anyone or anything
I’m too self-involved
and caught in my ways
to do this but you
somehow think this was
supposed to happen
I believe in dumb choices
this happened to be
one of them

 

 

 

Stay continued…

‘What about us?’

He wondered
all the times he saw me
and I pretended he didn’t exist
I told him to leave me alone
I was trouble and didn’t know
what I wanted
though we both knew that
was a lie
and I wanted the badass
it wasn’t just psychical
I thought
we had a connection
I loved him
or I said I did anyway
to shot the other guy down
it worked
but he didn’t stop
looking at me
thinking of me
or being hurt
each and everyday
I intentionally ignored
the hell out of him
to push him away
not face the obvious
sexual attraction
and tension between us

Why?
in my mind it was
the right thing to do
I had two much going on
with two other people
last I needed was a third
I thought if I let him go
he’d find someone
that deserves him
that’s not as wild
and unpredictable as me
someone he doesn’t claim

‘led him on’ like I did
though I didn’t
it just didn’t happen
at the time
whether or not it will
that’s for us to decide
until then people will
say and think whatever
the hell they want
so what
we finally started talking again

“Hippie girl”

he said
I laughed
how am I?
I don’t do the drugs?
I don’t have
multiple partners

But
he said
I see your eyes
I can read you like
nobody else can
I seen your anger
I heard you talk
about your mother
I know your capacity
for love and know
how you feel about me
your situation
my situation doesn’t matter

 

Right it did matter
because I did love you
you supposedly loved me
but you kept on
drinking and lying
ran from a DWI

You called me
you left messages
saying what you
said and felt was true

Then one day I heard
you can’t speak anymore
you had brain surgery
to remove a tumor
you’re no longer you
but I’m still me

 

Scorpio woman

She’s not dumb or needy.
She can sense a lie miles away.
She’s capable of taking care of herself.
Being alone doesn’t bother her.
She doesn’t conform to society.
She doesn’t like liars.
She doesn’t like small talk.
If you have something to say, say it don’t waste her time.
She’s sexy and mysterious as hell.
You probably won’t ever really see her unless you gain her trust, good luck.

Day by day, she has to fight the urge not to roll her eyes at people that bug her.
Her idea of being nice is not giving someone the ‘piss off’ look.
It doesn’t mean she’s not.
Never assume you know her, she’s full of surprises.
She never, ever lets her guard down completely.
She’s not stupid.
She’s always observing and analyzing.
There’s a chance she’s already made up her mind what she thinks and fees about you the minute she met you.
She’s intuitive.
She’s actually very loyal if you’re on her side.
But if you hurt her, others, or do anything to corrupt the group; she is not on your side.
She can be secretive and manipulative at her worst or if a situation calls for it.
She twists and turns, plays the role of the scientist and detective in this life.
She’s strong and brave.
She’s been through a lot.
She doesn’t brag, complain, or cry about it. She’s knows that’s a waste of her time and won’t change anything.
She has a backbone when others do not.

Leave her alone.
Don’t invade her space.
Don’t tell her what to do.
Don’t think or assume things about her.
She won’t be in your side.
You want her on your side.
She will help you.
She won’t talk shit about you.

Three words

“I love you”
he said
I didn’t question it
though I had a million
reasons why I should

I knew
his lips
his body
I liked upon mine
how I felt with him
was different
I was myself

I didn’t have to fake
I didn’t have legal ties
I didn’t have reasons to lie
we were us

I listened to him
he listened to me
we had two completely different
lives and situations
but none of that matter

We were naked