Reported

his ass and his girlfriend
so they can all hate me
and not my sister
he’s a snake
she does nothing all day
but probably fuck him
in the service halls
who cares
I’m not there anymore

should they remember
I was there first and
with him
haha

reputation proceeds me
I’m sure
but remember I’m also
not the one that said
‘DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR KEYS?
I miss you?’
what about your girlfriend?
‘WHO CARES’
it never happened
it never will

but here we go,
I’ve stumbled upon
another man interested
in my personal life
giving off some vibes
it doesn’t end

Not

your
mother you’re adults
you can pick up
your shit

If you’re going to
be petty I can
return the favor
but I’m too busy
working

No
I’m not in my 20s
yes I look young
and you look old
I’m 30
what is your name
again?
doesn’t matter

No
I’m not sleeping
with the owner
because he’s ‘nice’
to me
isn’t he like that
to everyone?
yes he does pay me
thanks for stating
the obvious
not

Even if I’ve done
my things in the past
ah, no
maybe you’re bored
with your life
and not selling
enough shit

Before March

I said his girlfriend would eventually get a job at the mall with us because she constantly hangs out there all day with her kids.

And I said when that happens you can bet your ass I’m out of there. Yeah, before they decided to tell us when they were opening I got a new job away from all that bullshit — like we knew I would.

Because I’ve said, there’s only so much corrupt bullshit I will take. I guess I’ve met my quota when great old coronavirus came out and struck our world. I learned to take a great opportunity when it comes across me. You know how many jobs I turned down for the mall? Too many. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Let’s not get into the owner not wanting to pay workers and me having to sue him when I had my baby for pocketing my PFL. All while all these stores are leaving and they can’t keep up with the requirements to keep running, it’s surprising they gIt the flag to be open. Probably lied their asses off.

Anyway, yeah that’s all behind me. The new supervisor with his girlfriend he probably fucks in all the old places I fucked ‘Dan’ haha. He had an issue with us even talking yet it was okay for him to sexually assault me numerous times with his girlfriend nearby!? The only reason why he got his position is by snitching on my sisters boyfriend and getting him fired. He has no talent or knowledge of the things that need to be fixed in the mall. I guess if you successfully kiss ass and rat on people you deserve a promotion in those places. I guess that’s why now I’m making as much as you and not working there.

The mall was

the first one I went too as a kid
It had a ‘magic’ fountain back then

the place I went too as a teenager to get all my school clothes (they had stores back then)

where I met my future husband online from at dating website for the first time

my place of employment for three years

the place I was working at when my mother was diagnosed with cancer

where I got involved with someone I didn’t know was a satanist until he told me

where I was after I received a phone call she was dead, clocked in and out of work that day upset

where I my supervisor and I fell in love and had a fucked up relationship

the place I was working at when I was pregnant and had to leave when I was in labor

job I returned too after having a baby

job I worked with my sister and got to see here several days a week

also the job the owner tried to fuck me over numerous times and pocketed my PFL and I sued him

the place with a toxic environment and shitty new supervisor that also sexually assaulted with his girlfriend nearby

the place that wanted me back during this COVID shit part time (less money, less time with my daughter) and after everything, I didn’t see why I should it was a good place once years ago…

and so I left and got a new one

Memories of my dad?

He would take me to the store
to go grocery shopping and out
for ice cream every week
with my mother’s paycheck
he didn’t work
he used to be a cook
in the coast guard
he retired

Of course,
I didn’t know that
when I was super young
I sat on his big belly
and ate popcorn
the neighbors
thought he was ‘mexican’
or part ‘black’
because he had tan skin

I know he’s not
I tan well too and
took a DNA test
I’m 100% European
a fancy way to say
‘Caucasian’

I remember the times
he forced us to go to
church and slapped me
once on my side
because I was having
a tantrum
later he apologized
he didn’t know how to
punish kids
that’s why I was
running around
and getting in trouble
while he was at the casino
drinking and gambling away
all my mother’s money

Then they split when I was 11
my mother moved us in
with a narcissistic asshole
that said he ‘thought of
himself as our father’
my father tried to visit
us once and he got into
a fight with my mother
that was the end of that
he called us only
on or around holidays
sometimes our mother
had us go to church on
holidays to see him
that’s it

But he continued to call
and still does to this day
I hardly ever answer
I’m 30
he’s a stranger to me
but he’s showed up when
my daughter was born
the man that thought
of himself as my father
didn’t, he fell out
the moment my mother died
to another woman’s arms
and sent us a ‘goodbye’
text a few days after
Ava was born

And he wondered why
I never said ‘happy fathers day’
being there to be there
doesn’t make you
neither does sperm apparently
but thank you,
I hardly ever sunburn

My only hope now
is my daughter
has a father
even though I can’t
promise we’ll be
together forever

My 10 1/2 month old baby

Update.

Ava started walking last week. All those days trying to get her walking with her walker paid off.

She speaks. Not a shocker. Her first word was, “Boom” at 9 months old. Her second word was, “Mommy.” Now she’s saying her name, “Ava.” And “I got” and “Yeah”.

She’s definitely not slow — like her mother. She doesn’t walk or talk on demand either!

She doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying. I mean she’s not a year old — yet. I am reading to her more, telling her what objects are and their color.

She doesn’t go a night without waking up and expecting a bottle. But she sleeps in her crib and NOT with us. She has been for a while. (My sisters baby is almost 2 and just started sleeping in her own room… too afraid her baby would have a fit. They will. They won’t learn if you constantly have to savior them?)

She isn’t a picky eater… I mean she likes chewing on everything right now? She only has 3 teeth at the bottom of her mouth. But her favorite thing is the sweets (like her mother) and her fathers hot dogs.

AND she currently loves Elsa, Olaf, and Pikachu.

Of course,

I meant it
I don’t throw those
three words
around
who cares if I was
drunk and stoned
off my ass
when I said it back
if anything
I’m more honest
when I’m not sober

I’m 30
I’ve said a total
of three times
in my life
out of the
I don’t know
how many

When I was teenager
and thought I was in love
When I dated my husband
and when I fooled around
with someone I shouldn’t
have been fooling around with

Trust me
I’ve tried to analyze
that situation
I got nothing
but you take away
all the objects
distractions
stressors
yeah, it’s really easy
to fall in love
with someone
or fancy more then
one person at once
haha

Don’t quote me
that’s the past
now it’s almost like
it didn’t happen
after having a baby
being stuck in
quarantine
the only thing I’ve
is, it’s time
to get a new job

There’s nothing left there
I’m sick of dealing
with a snake and refuse
to now deal with his girlfriend
I can only act like
I don’t want to beat the shit
out of someone for so long
until I say enough

June 4, 2017

The day my mother passed after fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma for about two years. She was in remission but it came back. The car accident she was in the winter didn’t help, it made her weaker. I’m not here to give the full story, I probably did already. Im here to talk about how much has changed since.

Imagine if she was diagnosed with it during a pandemic, her chances to survive could have been less. Who cares. That’s all I’m saying about that.

I was going to get married. My mother knew in her heart she wouldn’t live longer than 3 months to be there. She didn’t even discuss it with me. I had a feeling she wouldn’t. I regretted showing her my dress and not putting it on for her. She was buried in the dress she was going to wear to my wedding. I had to live with that forever on top of some drama I called her about when she was in the hospital.

There I was again, refusing to commit and trying to have fun when hell was around me. I was about to get marry and I was having sex with some strange man I hardly know in the woods. It was supposed to distract me from sleeping with my ‘guy friend’ but it didn’t. Was I having fun? No. I was trying to distract myself from the truth. My mother is dying. I’m afraid to get married. Boo who.

Then it happened. Instead of me getting better, I got worse. I locked away all my emotions. I got married though I wasn’t feeling like it. Things got sour and I stumbled upon someone new. Not just new, he was going to be my future supervisor. I didn’t know it. I denied any attraction I had towards him until one day. We made out in an empty lot. It was intense and different from anything I’ve felt in a long time. We began hooking up. We accidentally said those three words.

He left. I realized he was right that I never dealt with my mother’s death. I stopped fucking around. I became a mother… now I understand.

Agh

I am mad
I’ve tried everything
I could to forget about it
I talked to people about it
I talked to the source,
I ran, skated, focused on my baby, punched a bag, applied to other jobs,
got drunk, seduced my man, slept on it,
and went for a ride
there’s nothing left
for me to do but
move on
and try to get another job
again
what if I can’t?
the vicious cycle continues
it’s easy for me to ignore
everyone but kinda hard
when I’d have to face them
again
and I guess, go back
to my writing and hope
someday it’s enough
to get me the hell out

Never ever

Did I have sex with criminal.
I’m not sure if I knew he got drunk and robbed a gas station before I started sleeping with him. Okay, I did he talked about it — he served his time and was on probation.

Did I have sex with a coworker.
Well, yeah.

Did I have sex with more then one coworker.
Not something I really want to talk nor think about. Let’s just say one of them was terrible in bed.

Had sex with the same sex.
Another thing I don’t want to talk about. It’s not like I planned or enjoyed it.

Date more then one person at once.
3. Why not? It’s not like they cared if they knew.

Cheat on someone.
Not the best thing I did.

Had sex at work.
Of course and to this day, the big people don’t have a clue I did it because I was a good worker, great at hiding shit and minding my own business.

Got caught making out with someone at work.
By a security guard, he thought it was funny.

Meetup with someone at a hotel only to have sex.
Quite a few times. Hey, sometimes that’s the only way you’re going to get it.

Cried way out of traffic ticket.
Yeah, that worked for me for a while until the last time I legitimately blew a stop sign.

Denied catching feelings for someone you were only hooking up with.
Hmmm… I’m not sure. I didn’t really have feelings and if I did, I admit I only fell for one out of the many.

Deleted every single text message.
All the time. It could be a stupid short conversation and still gone. I never was one for keeping conversations on my phone.

 

 
Disclaimer: Got this idea from an App. No, my dear I don’t advise you to do stupid things but you probably will anyway. It’s called life.