12 signs of dating past

Aries
He was fascinated by me being a virgin and thought I was serious about dancing in the rain naked with him. Turns out I’m nothing more than a “tease” — he hates that.

Taurus
Pick one. You want the one confused with his sexuality, worships his mother, or the one that will kiss you and not sleep with you because he has a girlfriend.

Gemini
You want someone that’ll stalk you and not make any sense? There you go. Or the one that’ll give you an open relationship… ideal if that’s what you want.

Cancer
I haven’t dated a single Cancer. Why? Because he’s either my old boss that checked every young girl out or the dude that lives miles away and has a pregnant fiancé.

Leo
I think they have nice arms? Well most of them anyway because I usually spot them at the gym. I know this guy, he’s some sponsored athlete. We never dated but I kicked his other Leo friend’s ass. We never dated either — I’m like another guy to them.

Virgo
What about them? I think I’ve meant more Virgo women than men. But my brother is a Virgo and he enjoys being single. Maybe that’s why.

Libra
Behold, all my favorite musicians are but they’re female. I’m not into girls. My sister’s ex was a Libra and he was ‘shallow and boring as hell’ according to her.

Scorpio
I’m a Scorpio. I never dated a Scorpio. Hell, I don’t know any Scorpios that dated a Scorpio. Like we have some secret agreement not to fuck with each other figuratively and literally.

Sagittarius
The lovely ‘Agent of Douche’ I called him. Maybe because I’m ‘too immature’ or maybe because he was never happy. I also spilled his beer and almost destroyed his dirt bike. I still wasn’t ‘housewife material’ enough for him.

Capricorn
The only man that was dumb enough to actually marry me. He believes in marriage and I don’t. Should come with a warning that all he’s going to do is complain about money and will try to get you pregnant.

Aquarius
He said he wanted a friends with benefits relationship… a week later told me he was in love with me and wanted to runaway with me. Not what he agreed upon. Said he has no emotions but constantly discusses how he feels…

Pisces
Asked me to runaway and marry him when I was 18. My mother wasn’t found of him because he was a lot older than me… and lived on the other side of the world. ‘He must be delusional’.

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