#1 The boy who asked me for my ring back to give to my friend
I’m not sure if I can really call him my ex boyfriend, I was like four years old. He asked me to marry him with a 25 cent ring he got out of vending machine and wanted it back a week later to give to my friend. I lied and said I didn’t know where it is. I stayed friends with my friend and went back to only being friends with him. A few years later I got revenge (by accident) by knocking all his teeth out playing Power Rangers.
The moral of the story is, you will get your teeth knocked out someday if you ask for your cheap engagement ring back.
#2 The boy I only agreed to go out with because I liked his friend
Because it only made logical sense to go out with someone I don’t even like, thinking it’d lead me closer to the person I liked? It didn’t. I found when day when I called him he had a girlfriend (his sister ratted on him) and was staying over at her house. A day or two later, I call and tell him I only wanted to be friends. Then of course, he tried to be ‘friends’ with me after that point and I didn’t even want to talk to him, ever.
The moral of the story is, don’t go out with someone you don’t like and possibly tell him the real reason why you’re breaking up with him. (You had a girlfriend already?) And guys, it is big mistake to trust your younger sisters with your dirty secrets.
#3 A guy I met online who lived in Argentina
We met on a forum for an female musician we both liked. It started with us responding to ‘get to know you’ trends and we slowly realized we had things in common and started to talk. We used a webcam and eventually met in real life. He was and I was what we expected, like the person we met on the internet. The only problem was, I was still in high school and he was five years older than me. My mother had a huge issue it because of his age and the distance. Like, he flew to a small town from a Buenos Ares to met me. There’s a lot more to the story but…
The moral of the story is, don’t have a relationship with someone in another country (or online) and then meet them and tell your mother about it and expect her to be cool with it.
#4 A guy I met from EHarmony who lived in Connecticut
We met and hooked up in a hotel room a couple of times. He was a ‘professional’ gambler and didn’t have a real job. He was planning to buy us some house to move into… Or at least he said, he wasn’t serious. It lasted for about a month than I accused him of cheating on me because I got suspicious of his female friends.
The moral of the story is, don’t trust a ‘professional’ gambler especially when your father is a gambler. You know what it does, you should have known better…
#5 A guy I met through my sister who went to the same college as her but lived 2 hours away
We went on some dates and parties together, had a lot of fun but only when he was able to travel here. I could never go to him, I lacked the money to do so. We ‘dated’ for a couple of months until one day he decided to breakup with me because of the distance. He insisted in us being friends and I basically told him to go fuck himself and threw my cell phone against the wall.
The moral of the story is, no more long distance relationships. I also should have seen that coming because a week before that he wasn’t responding to any of my texts or being really short.
#6 A man that is 8 years older than me and an ‘agent’
I thought was four years older than me from the beginning until I saw his license and saw he lied to me (but yes, he really did work for the government). We drank a lot, did bonfires, went kayaking, on motorcycle rides, and rode dirt bike or ATV together. It was a lot of fun until one day, he started to tell me he wanted a housewife and it wasn’t me. I knew he was lying to me about it, given the things we’ve done. He used it as an excuse to breakup with me and sleep with someone else. (He had his online dating profile the entire time we dated.) I did take him back a couple of times over the 4-8 months we dated. One time, I came over he smelled like sex and I knew it wasn’t me because I haven’t seen him in over a week. That was the last straw for me, I began to look at other people. (If it’s good for you, it’s good for me!) After the last time he broke up with me for spilling his beer and not cleaning it up, I started talking to someone else. (A few weeks later, I met that guy and we fell in love… We ended up dating on and off for four years.)
The moral of the story is, don’t go out with someone you instinctively know is a douchebag.
#7 The craziest guy I’ve ever met (This isn’t the guy I dated for four years, I met him sometime between those few weeks.)
Most of my writing is about him, I don’t really feel like I need to write much about him. He followed me around and stalked me for years.
The moral of the story, run… run… run…
#8 The second craziest guy I’ve ever met
We broke up and got back together numerous times over the years because we fight we breakup, we kiss, and we make up. We love each other, an element that was missing from all the ‘others’.
The moral of the story is, I don’t know yet.
#9 The guy with the same name as a registered sex offender
Who also lied to me about his age but I can’t complain because I didn’t actually date him.
The moral of the story is, I’m still an idiot but at least I only hooked up with him.