Preparing myself for my last semester I am still thinking: Was it worth it? Is it worth it? I’m still unemployed, I’m still miserable, I’m still broke, I’m still the loser I was when I came here, and I still have no life. And those things are still entirely my fault.
I am going to be 1,000% honest to you…
Out of high school I barely made it through community college. I was beyond lazy. My laziness turned into academic prohibition. I got kicked out. When I finally came back, I took it seriously. Probably because my method of doing schoolwork was homeschooling myself. Yes, I took all my classes online. It wasn’t easy but I figured it out. Lots of research, advising, and supervising myself because that is all I had. Probably something else I should mention, I wasn’t planning on taking classes online. I had some weird morphed fantasy that this guy I was dating at the time was serious about me moving in with him. It was long distance. So yes, I made sure to apply to a school two hours away — then get dumped a month or so after.
It was difficult but I did fine, I mean I got on the Deans list three times. For pretty much having no life. Then I go to a four-year school to get my Bachelors…
My Associates of Arts Degree is useless. It was just a sheet of paper that got me to the next place where I would spend a fortunate. I suppose a few good things happened. I did some awesome things and met some people. But was it enough for the cost? Of course not. I spend day by day now thinking how am I supposed to pay this off, how am I supposed to get a job? I’m not marketable or employable. The last many times I put what I was doing or did on my resume nowadays isn’t helping. Like an oh….
You go to school for writing, can I see your work? Do you write short stories? Do you write poems? …What about your catering job? Did you do weddings? ….Fajita Grill. What is a Fajita Grill? That sounds good. I should get me some Fajita Grill.
What the fuck? Okay now, I just don’t see the point. I’m probably better off erasing my resume and starting over. Can I create a new name or a business of my own? It would probably be better.
Exactly. Maybe that is the point I am not getting. I should do my own business. But how? That’s funny. I can’t do math, have experience, or know anything. But whatever, it’s not about me anymore. It is about creating a life but how….
One shit, two shit, three shit…
Four shit. Think.
It’s not about you.
It’s about them.
Who is ‘them’?
If anyone has to tell you, you are insane.
…More ramblings from an idiot in second person.