Dating advice from an idiot.

If you’re single…


1. Take revealing photos and post them online. You are likely to attract a man that wants to bang you. It’s a start — right?

2. Go to the bar. Get drunk. If you are drunk, you are more likely to talk to people. If you talk to people — you are likely to get laid.

3. If talking to people doesn’t work, send out text messages. If you’re drunk, it won’t bother you if they quickly shoot you down. Plus, you won’t remember any of it in the morning!

4. Be straightforward. Tell a guy or girl that you think they’re hot and want to meet up sometime for coffee. You may look odd but at least you were open and honest, right?



If you’re in a relationship…


1. Send drunk text messages to your ex. Your partner may or may not see it. If they see it, tell them it was a old friend from high school.


2. Tell your partner you want to fuck them, everyday. They need to know you want to bang them all the time — so they will never fantasize about it on their free time. Why dream about steak when its on your counter already, eh?

3. Ignore them. All the time. You don’t want them to know what you’re really doing, thinking and feeling. What if they knew you watched Spongebob all day? What if they knew you thought Miley Cyrus’ new song was catchy and fun. What if they knew you were so angry — that you tossed your cell phone across the room?

4. Don’t answer any questions. Instead of answering a question, ask a question.
Question: Why didn’t you go to the soccer game last night?
Answer: Why didn’t you mow the lawn today?

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